Our second/last son finally had his graduation ceremony this past week #classof2020. For all parents, there is the unspoken truth: this day will come for all of us, hopefully. I admit I wasn’t totally prepared for what “this” feels like today. Today, there is this deep sense of melancholy.

Our older son is now a senior at this amazing art college that is nearby. Our younger son will now be joining him as a freshmen. They both are choosing to commute this year. Consequently, they haven’t really left the nest, yet. But I know it is COMING! Shockingly, neither of them have any intention on living with us forever? I know, I know, I was shocked too…..

I have to admit, I have mixed feelings about all this. Part of me totally supports and wants them to leave the nest and start their own lives, separate from the life they had with me/us. There is an equally strong, but perhaps more a more silent part of me that is inside screaming “No, no, no….please don’t go! Don’t you know how much you still need me?” I know, I know, I know….this is normal and this is also a form of grief…. grieving the life that, as parents, we all knew all too well.

No more making lunches, buying back to school clothes (or uniforms because they grew over the summer!), or school supplies, or calling school letting them know they wouldn’t be in today because they were sick, or going to track/cross county meets, or panicking because your child needs a poster board for a project tomorrow and it’s 9pm at night! All of the stuff that drove us bonkers at times….in a moment, is gone! In a moment, it was all gone!

For this year’s class, as parents we all had this ripped away even more abruptly than classes past. We didn’t have the anticipatory grief process of knowing it would all soon end, rather in a moment, it was all done. In it’s place, was months and months of not knowing if there’d be a graduation ceremony, if there’d be a prom, if there’d be a spring sports season. All of it was unknown, and so in stead of getting ready to say goodbye to the home away from home many of our children had in High School, we were sitting with our sad, anxious, grieving children trying to figure out what the next right steps would be as parents, as educators, as students as a society in chaos. None of this has felt “normal” and today I really really feel it.

When I am stressed or internally in some sort of pain, I feel it at some point show up in my body. Today, it is my neck. I can say “I slept on it wrong” and write it off, but now my studies have shown there is more to it. I have tried to keep a smiling face for our son, planned an admittedly very last minute “small socially distanced graduation party” all awhile trying to still work and did I say keep a smiling face on while I was literally freaknig out inside? All of us are worried about what college (or school in general) looks like for our kids, worried about those who are vulnerable or immune compromised in our families and in our world, COVID in general, and what impact is all this uncertainty having on our children and society in general. This is not normal. None of this is normal & I for one desperately doesn’t want it to ever become our “new normal.”

The graduation ceremony happened, and it was lovely. The small party happened, amidst what felt like the only torrential downpour this summer, and yet the party was also lovely. We are now transitioning to the official, oh my gosh you are starting college and it just feels…. rushed. I had months to prepare for his graduation and did so in let’s say weeks (at most!) beforehand, for college will I wait until the day before?

What is happening?

I am not ready for this next chapter, of being on the sidelines of his life…but he is.

I am not ready for this next chapter, of hearing about what’s happening with school or friends, or not hearing about it…but he is.

I am not ready for the quiet to take over our house, no longer the constant banter back and forth, but he is……….

When did this happen? I want to turn back time to sippy cups and Dora the Explorer, to crayons and bath time, to copious amounts of cherrios and cut up fruit and ketchup….lots and lots of ketchup. To singing lullabyes, signing off on homework, baking cupcakes for birthdays, and the sea of dirty sports attire. I want to go back to kissing them goodnight, not because I wanted to do so, but because they NEEDED me to do. want to go back….

And yet, I know, life marches on for all of us. We are on the bus, or we aren’t….regardless the bus or train or plane or LIFE is moving forward, with or without us.

I know this. We all know this…….

But today, I am feeling melancholy….for all the years that FLASHED by me without me even realizing they were doing so. Today….I just wish I could have one moment back with my squishy, cuddly, sweet, sweet boy who loved the pink plastic cupcake he had in preschool, and his blue blanket, sippy cup and Dora the Explorer on the TV. I want him to want to sit on my lap, and twirl my hair to comfort himself…… but that same squishy little boy is now an 18 year old young man…who desperately does not want those same things…and so we settle, and accept those days are gone and adjust to the transition of this next chapter in life. …..

but today….

I feel melancholy…….