My last marathon was in 2014 in Berlin. Yes, that Berlin. I entered it injured after a 60 mile-relay trail race that left me limping with a severely swollen calf muscle. I finished the marathon with the possibly the slowest time ever recorded (ok, ok, ok…. it sure felt as such), in excruciating pain, and even deeper emotional/psychological scars. I stopped racing, or running any distance for 6 full years. 6 years…wasted.

I did not participate in sports much growing up. Whether it was lack of encouragement to do so or my insecurities and desire to do things perfectly that kept me from putting myself into new or challenging places I am uncertain. I just didn’t…do much of anything “sporty” growing up. That was available to others, not me. What I do know is finding the sport at age 34 changed my life for over a decade. What started as an experiment to see if I actually could run, testing the myth I had created in my head that running simply was available to others but I was simply flawed and incapable of doing so. At the time, there was no injury, no physical reason for this thought process, rather just a lifetime of self doubt and insecurity preventing me from trying new things and pushing myself through sports.

I would walk a block and then run a block. Walk a block and run a block. Over and over through my neighborhood. Never did I think in the early days I, a 34 year old un-athletitic wife and mother of two, would be capable or running any distance beyond a block. With running….something shifted inside of me. I started to walk a block and run two. Then walk a block and run three. Then run…… I just kept running. Never fast! C’mon, this is not a story of miracles! What it is however, is a story of determination and the strength of a community.

I took off 6 years from running/training. I swapped out my running shoes for a yoga mat and flip flops or casual walking shoes, leaning into the belief once again that running was something others could do but somehow I was flawed and unable to run anymore. Truthfully, should I ever been running? (thoughts that were in my head, not my current state..phew!) I mean, perhaps I tricked the race officials and didn’t really run & complete the 5 marathons I did, or the dozen+ half marathons? Was that me? How could it be?

Then….one day recently, I put running shoes back on my feet…stepped out the door and began the VERY humbling process of running a block and walking a block and running a block and walking a block and running…even if just one more block. I texted my dear friend T and asked her to meet me for a run/walk. I think she nearly fell off the chair she was sitting in when she read my text! She responded before I even finished the initial text “Yes!”…scientists are still trying to figure out how that is indeed possible…. laughing at my sad joke…..

And THAT is the purpose of my story. Not to speak of miracles, though I am convinced the fact that I have finished marathons when I have been injured is something of a miracle….but to speak of friendships. Of the running community. Of going to bed before others leave to go out to the bar, only to get up sometimes before dawn to start on your morning run. It’s about the talks along the path, the journey together. It’s the balance of pushing yourself while listening to your own body and it’s ability to move, and shift, and push yourself beyond your perceived limits. It’s race day prep! It’s giving yourself permission to “carbo-load” before a race! (I mean really, any reason to eat carbs!) It’s finding the best running shoes for YOU! It’s talking about “that freaking hill!” or speed work or distances. Or the dreaded cold-drizzle runs when you are soaked before you even warm up. It’s going to race day - and being surrounded with other super disciplined, supportive and strong people of ALL ages, ALL races, ALL abilities…and every single person on the course having a story of strength and resilience JUST LIKE MINE.

It wasn’t until I started running again with my friend T, that I remembered….all of it came flooding back to me on WHY I fell in love with the sport. I have such gratitude for her, and for the sport.

While the country currently remains in some state of shut-down, I am not even certain the half marathon I am starting to train for will actually take place in the fall. I am skeptical at best that it will. What will happen that day it is “supposed” to happen is this…I will be running. If not in the official race, I will run the distance with friends, from my house, in a course we design. I will push myself just like I did when I began, to silence those thoughts of self doubt and pity, and just keep moving. And what will undoubtedly get me though the miles…the monotony of the run…will be friends…. and the memory of this…..

I

CAN

DO

HARD

THINGS

And yes…. even if I am not fast…..I am a runner.

Wishing you peace…the courage to do hard things…and friends with you to support you along the way.