How to Learn to NOT give a F- free'd me.
Learning to not give a F—-, Free’d me from caring what others think about me…. mostly.
Where does that practice begin, of concerning ourselves more with what others think about us than what we really think about ourselves?
Young children at play, have a natural rhythm of exploring different toys or play activities to find what they really like. There isn’t a quandary for them to choose the “right” toys or “right” play activities, rather they like what they like without judgment, until we place those judgments on them.
Sure you’ve heard it: girls play with these toys, and boys play with these toys. Why?
Western culture complicates things, often unnecessarily, in an effort to control or shape a narrative we believe to be acceptable. What we are ALSO doing, however, is squashing creativity, diversity, and authenticity which I believe are far more important and necessary to have a beautifully diverse and rich society. And truly only effectively produces a potential of shame to grow in a space that it need not be.
When my boys were very young, we were visiting an iconic, local Christmas-themed store. My youngest son, who was less than 2, wanted these 4-tiny “Carebear” character ornaments. My older son, who was all of 6 (maybe) all too quickly let my younger son know “boys do not get pink carebear ornaments for their Christmas tree.”
What?
We had not taught “there are boy toys and girl toys” and yet, he still learned that message. I so wanted to protect them from hearing this message, and more worrisome to me, believing this message to be true, and yet they still heard and in some ways believed it. Fortunately for them, they have had countless opportunities to challenge these culturally prescribed norms for genders within our culture and chose clothing, career paths, and interests based on what THEY like and less about what others like or consider to be cool. I wish I was as wise as they are now when I was their age.
When I think back to my first real rebellious act, getting my first tattoo, I now can see my rationale for getting the first one was flawed. When I think back to this decision, it wasn’t because I truly wanted one, as much as:
someone I really liked had several and maybe I’d have value if I also had one
I was 21, and while I did feel rebellious and maybe sorta “cool” for the first time in my life, I was also terrified about what my parents would say when they learned about my tattoo. Neither of these thoughts of choosing to or not do something based on what someone else might think is healthy or helpful in our decision-making for our own life.
True happiness. True contentment. True authenticity ONLY happens when we are making decisions based on what WE want for ourselves.
Fast forward 30 years, I now care MUCH less what others think about me and try to focus on what I want and need in life. I had that initial ill-advised tattoo covered and re-designed to reflect who I AM, rather than who I thought I was supposed to be to earn favor. I opted to add tattoos to visible areas, not so others can see and praise me for it, but rather so I can see them and appreciate what I created with my tattoo artist. Do others judge me for them? I am sure they do! But good or bad, I don’t care what other opinions are about them anymore and will continue to get them as long as I WANT to, and have real estate to put said tattoos. They are finally only about me…. for me…. and if I am the only one who likes them…. I am good.
And…. that same mom I FEARED would judge me horribly for having a tattoo, gifted me “mom and daughter” matching tattoos of my choice when I turned 50. Her one and only. Maybe it was a gift I gave her, my not giving a F—- what others think about my tattoos may be enabled her to not care anymore either.
I hope that is a gift I have given others around me, especially my boys, to find their own rhythm in life and follow that until it no longer feels right…and then find another……and other…embracing change with a sense of curiosity and wonder….and trusting in ourselves as each of us has this guiding light inside if we are brave enough to trust in ourselves.
Leaving with one final thought for today…. “One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.” Shannon L Alder
Be yourself…. Love yourself…..If you need reminders, look in the mirror and keep reminding yourself you are unique and perfect EXACTLY as you are. So go be weird, go be odd, go be wholeheartedly YOU!