Being the Mom of Layla the Wonderdog has been among the greatest joy of my life. We joke we had the “easy” responsibility and had children early in life and then opted for a fur-baby later while many do in reverse. What I have come to believe is this: Layla came into our lives when she and we were ready, and she couldn’t have been more perfect for our family.

Boxers have a general life expectancy of 8-10 years. Layla is now 11+.

Every.

Single.

Day.

Is a gift.

In the summer of 2020, Layla had what we believe was the first of at least 2 seizures. Since then, she has progressed to not really being able to control or use her back legs and taking a multitude of medications to both minimize the impact of her seizure mediation and to deal with other issues that have surfaced since then. This beautiful, magnificent creature went from taking multiple walks a day to struggling to walk to use the bathroom. Her absolute favorite activity now is sitting on our covered back porch, laying with her “Stuffies,” surrounded by her family. She sits patiently to be fed, to get her medicine, and to be taken to the bathroom where we painfully watch her trying to maneuver through our backyard. It is both humbling and gut-wrenching to watch.

Earlier this week, Layla somehow stumbled off her usual bed outside our bedroom door (her choice to sleep there, I’d gladly have her lay next to me as she once did, but she chooses to sleep on the floor these days) to move closer to me. I was alarmed! She never does this, as you know dogs are pretty much creatures of habit. When I approached her, she was labored in her breathing and not really responding to us at all. We laid next to her the entire night, certain this was the last night we would. Then…. she woke up almost “springing up!” as if to say “I am not done yet, don’t give up on me!” and has gone outside and ate and took her medicines as if it was any other day…..and has continued to do all week.

But…. I know the day will come. And sooner, I am sure, than later.

Each day we are all grateful we have her in our life, and grateful she has both beaten the odds for her breed but also with what she is dealing with each day. But to what end? Is she holding on because of me? Is she waiting to let go until I am ready to let her go?

I’ve built my career around chronic health and loss and while I am mostly not afraid with looking at death or talking about death or difficult topics, the thought of waking up without certain loved ones in our life, including this beautiful fur-baby I lovingly call “Lalya the Wonderdog” is something I am not sure I am prepared for at all. How do you prepare to say good-bye? How do you know when it is time?

I saw this quote and it felt right when I begin to process the anticipatory grief in knowing, Layla’s time is limited with us….

The darker the night, the brighter the stars,

The Deeper the grief, the closer to God!

(Fyodor Dostoevsky)

To love deeply, even though we know it will end, is among the greatest sacrifices one can make. For loving…. Layla and others in my life, I will never regret, for the love that is left behind is eternal.

Until the end….

peace,