19 years. 19 years of memories. 19 years of love. 19 years of laughter. 19 years of tears. 19 years of milestones. 19 years of accomplishments. 19 years of dreams & hopes & wishes realized, and some let go. Today….. I am finishing packing all of the stuff up that has made our house a home…and starting to say our final goodbye. I was totally unprepared for the mixture of emotions that have followed me through this week. This has been my idea, my push, my desire for so long and now I wonder, how am I left with such a myriad of emotions rushing through me with each box I pack up?

In this home, we raised our then 4 year old and 3 week old baby boys into the strong, intelligent, funny, complex and beautiful humans I get to sit with and talk about the complexities of life. In this home, we brought our beloved fur-baby Layla the Wonderdog to live with us, watching her grow from the adorable squishy puppy then awkward lanky “teenager” who is now the elderly stateswoman who struggles to maintain control of both her bladder (truth) and legs throughout the day. We have had to assist in two cats going to the “rainbow bridge” and welcomed another temporarily into our family, now 12 years later she remains with us.

In this home, we have hosted countless holiday parties for our small family, extended family, and all who needed a place to celebrate or share a meal. In this home, we have watched the first steps, the first stumbles, the first bike rides, the first heartbreaks and struggles that couldn’t be fixed with a lollipop or new matchbox car. We have put up and taken down all the holiday decorations so many times it has become a mindless activity that we could all do in our sleep. The Christmas trees go here. The clear & silver & gold ornaments go on this tree, not that one.

In this home, I have switched jobs 3 times. I have started a business. I have grown.

In this home, we have both made friends and gained family members, and lost them as well.

In this home, my sons graduated from high school, and the oldest from college. In this home, my husband received his Master’s degree. In this home, my husband and I completed our first and many other marathons, and he his first (and hopefully last) Ironman.

In this home…… the time seemed to stand still, and passed by like I blinked and 19 years had gone by. The walks…the talks…the drinks…the meals…. the holidays…the events….the dressing up for cocktail parties I desperately tried to avoid (#introvert for life) and the ones I impulsively decided to host. In this home, we grew together and we grew apart. We were patient and impatient. We were happy and sad. In a moment…. as I was packing up this last box, it was as if the magnitude of all that we created was before me in this silly, simple packing box….filled with random kitchen items I had been saving until the very last moments….

And now….it’s all here.

How do you say goodbye, to 19 years in one place?

I grew up moving often…and never could have imagined living in one place for 19 years. At the time, I didn’t like it. At the time, part of me resented my parents for the decisions to move so often …..

Yes…..they know about it…. and I now can see that moving was a necessary part of shaping me to be the empathetic, and independent person I am today. It’s all good…..

I wanted to stay put long enough to get sick of where I was living. That same desire to stay put was at odds countless times over the years as I so wanted to move and didn’t understand that angst that existed inside of me was connected to my never feeling connected anywhere as a child. I wanted that for our children…I wanted them to have what I didn’t feel I had, and yet I also wanted change and deeply felt that wanderlust I tried to suppress. Both have existed, and I am sure just like I have with my own parents, there will be decisions we have made that both our children will question, and possibly resent.

In this home…. I/we have tried….succeeded and failed.

Now… given this amazing opportunity to move into pretty close to be the house of my dreams…. I’m holding all the memories, all the emotions, all the “feels” close to my heart and taking it all in….. giving space and a voice to all it!

Goodbyes…. are acutely painful when they are filled with so much love and good times that our heart does not know how to process. This is how I am choosing to see this complicated and surprising process. My desire to move on is fighting my desire to stay…. in comfort, in the known….with the familiar sounds, sights, and smells that have surrounded me for the past 19 years…..while allowing space for new memories, new dreams, and new hopes to grow.

Now I truly know the meaning of the phrase “parting is such sweet sorrow” William Shakespeare.