After a really great day with my running peep T and a fun day exploring and enjoying the sunshine, I was as surprised as anyone when I woke up in a funk. And there I have been all day. You know those days? Nothing necessarily wrong and yet everything feels slightly off. Even my oldest son noticed, giving me pause. While I understand some of what I am continuing to process internally, I was surprised at the intensity of the feelings today. Then I remembered the difficult reality we are all sitting in called pandemic and the almost stifling impact it is having as it continues to hang about.

Today I was reminded of all that the pandemic has taken from those around me, in particular my son & the graduating class of 2020. It was suggested to me that perhaps he and others from his class will look back at this time, and somehow It would be a positive experience. What the what? I found myself filling up with anger, which is super uncommon and super uncomfortable for me. I snapped back (also, not my natural state) with, perhaps you don’t realize along with missing a typical graduation ceremony, he is also missing or has already missed: track season and he was hoping to qualify for states, honors banquet, Prom, college decision day with his classmates, the last senior retreat, senior all “knight” party, the last day of school, senior “skip” day, and having a graduation party with ALL of his friends/family and attending parties of his classmates. He is not unique, but this experience is. Endings happen all the time, but watching this I can see the truth in how endings happen makes all the difference.

Yes…those are first world problems. And yes, there was destined to be a myriad of “lasts” just like there is for any graduating senior. We as parents all know there will be a last lunch made, or last day in the school uniform (Catholic school), or last track meet, or last school play or…. but these kids didn’t get any of those experiences like all of those who have gone before them did. In a moment, they were done.

It isn’t that it ended, but how it ended that often matters.

So addressing graduation “announcements” vs “party invitations” today did feel really, really awful. I would be sad anyway since he is our last child, and thus this is an end of an era. However, this one is without the excitement and joy we were able to have with our oldest, and these stolen moments cannot be replaced or have a “do-over.” They will never be. It is HOW the year ended that hurts the most, not that it ended.

May be that is where the real pain comes from, knowing that with some endings, there is the real awareness of the loss of what could have beens that will never be? The moments, the experiences, the joy that felt so close and was gone in a blink of an eye. The inability to prepare for that end perhaps is what makes the grief process so complicated.

Will they be stronger for this? May be? But today I don’t feel it…today I am in a funk, morning all that is lost, and all that can never be restored in his and all of our lives. I’m learning… to be the witness of whatever emotions come up rather than judge or try to push them away… I have to say not the best timing to take this transformative process on (covid) but imperative nonetheless……

That’s all I’ve got today, did I mention I am in a funk?

Peace…….