Years ago, I stumbled upon the Ted Talk featuring Shawn Achor; Harvard-educated, international best-selling author and speaker. He studied ‘Positive Psychology’ while attending Harvard. At the time, I was “all-in” for Ted Talks and regularly perused the list of topics seeking….I am not sure what I was seeking…but seeking….

During his Ted Talk, he highlighted the research and presented a very simple plan to help others “be happy.” Who doesn’t want that, an easy plan to find happiness that is also research-based? I was all in! I embraced this so much that I would often refer clients to his Ted Talk and encourage them to implement the “5 simple daily tasks” into their life. While I appreciate Shawn Achor’s work and enjoyed so much his charming stories and the background to his research, my full-on embracing of this methodology has since waned.

It is interesting to me how humans struggle not only to identify our own emotions but the value we place upon emotions as if there is a ranking system of desirability or usefulness for them. By focusing on “happiness” we risk creating a culture that leans too far into “toxic positivity space” which feels both disingenuine and dangerous to me.

Toxic Positivity can be described as a desire to maintain a positive outlook no matter what is happening in one’s life.

Examples of this are “Good Vibes Only”, “It’ll all work out” or “Just be Grateful for the things you have.”

While I do see value in keeping things light-hearted when we can (I have been told I can be REAL serious and know that can be…too much for some…..) there is also value in feeling and expressing whatever emotions we as humans are experiencing. By over-emphasizing the value of “happiness” as if it is the ultimate goal, are we in some real ways limiting the full potential of the human experience? Are we creating more dis-ease in thinking this is the only emotion or the most important emotional state for humans?

Last Friday, SCOTUS released their opinions on several very serious & arguably controversial issues. While I disagreed we most of their decisions (I know, who am I? Does it matter what little ole me from the mid-west thinks?) I had a visceral reaction when I learned it is now “legal” to claim one’s religious beliefs as justification to discriminate against doing business with people who are in the LGBT-Q+ community. I was really, really, angry. I did what I do when I am attempting to process BIG emotions in my life, and I wrote. And posted my blog. Part of me wanted to apologize for my very flowery, f-bomb-heavy expression of my anger in my previous post. Then…I was reminded of the book entitled “The Book of Joy: Happiness in a Changing World.”

In this beautifully written book, the author is interviewing The Dalai Lama and the late Archbishop Desmond Tutu. While both of these men exude/exuded JOY from seemingly every cell of their human bodies, they openly discussed their struggles, their difficult emotions, and their anger. Reading these wise, spiritual humans’ educated/spiritually informed opinions about the value and importance of what they referred to as “just anger” was something that caused me to pause…..

If there is something known as “just anger” which they referred to as a necessary component for us, as humans, to stand up and take action when something is wrong in our world (i.e. the Holocaust), then is it possible other “less desirable” emotions also have purpose and value? And if they do have value, can we let go of the position that places the emotion of happiness above all others?

(I will continue to question the value of shame and worry…but that is a topic for another day)

I am certain I offended people in my last blog both with my use of flowery f’bomb-heavy language and my absolute and unwavering support of the LGBT-Q+ community. I lost “followers” to my blog. The people-pleasing part of me initially thought, Oh no! I went too far. I need to rewrite the blog. I need to tone it down. I just want to be happy! I don’t like this feeling of anger, hurt, or fear for all my loved ones who identify either openly or still “closeted” within this community and the impact this decision had on THEIR lives. Who is protecting them? If I applied the “just keep a positive attitude” to this concern, what feels like the true evils of the world, win! And…what do I do with all the emotions this decision has stirred within me?

Learning to be comfortable with discomfort. Leaning into difficult feelings and emotions. Agitating others so they have no other option but to hear you. This…is what creates a potential for change. It isn’t from my ‘just be happy’ or ‘find your own bliss’ which I totally love and can get behind to some degree because it quite frankly feels better…. and I can stand up and voice my anger for those who are already vulnerable, often seen as “other” and have been marginalized throughout our history. Both can be true. Both, have value.

My hope for my own journey is simply this: To be brave enough to speak my own truth and to embrace ALL my emotions without judgment or a hierarchical ranking system. To find that sweet spot between letting go and fighting for what is just and right. And to gently push back the next time someone says to me “You look prettier when you have a smile on your face and you are happy” with this response:

I am not here to simply be happy. I am not here to make others happy. I am not here to “be prettier” for anyone in my life….. I am here to live fully, embrace all that is happening to and around me, and stand up for others when I see them hurting. And if I offend some along the way, maybe that was my job all along.

Wishing you all the courage to embrace ALL your emotions and to learn to be comfortable with discomfort. In this space, growth is possible, and yes, even joy and happiness…….

Shawn Achor Ted Talk