I remember when we were initially told it would be 3 weeks we needed to shelter in place & that seemed like a LIFETIME! We, as Americans (in particular but, yes all humans, perhaps) are accustomed to coming/going as we please and afforded the luxury of immense freedom in our country. The transition to limit our activities, our interactions with others, wearing masks, adjusting our work schedules/environments has been difficult and for some impossible! Therapists are no exception.

While I am sort of surprised at some client’s assumption that we “have it all together,” I am also reminded over the course of my career the countless times when tragedy hit close to home (either from a national crisis or community crisis) and my/our role to be that grounding force to help clients adjust/accept/grieve. We are taught to not show our emotions in sessions/groups with clients. We are taught to maintain our professional boundaries/distance with others and hold the space for others to process their emotions. We are not there to be part of the personal emotional processing……

When 9/11 happened, I was Program Director at Gilda’s Club Metro Detroit (www.gildasclubdetroit.org), a free cancer support community for anyone affected by cancer. I facilitated groups for those diagnosed and their family members and friends. While I was also panicky, while I was also worried about friends who lived in NY (and later learned a college roommate died in one of the towers), while I was in my own state of grief….I was there to calm/comfort and support others.

When members within the Gilda’s Club community would relapse or die, I was the one who was there to comfort/support and help members within the community in the grieving process. Internally, I was struggling just as much as the members in the community (and sometimes even more with the collective grief of others seemingly pressing down upon me), I believed it was my role to be kind but somewhat stoic as I was there professionally to support others.

When our current president was elected, I sat in my former office with MANY clients who were terrified for the outcome of the election. They cried. I sat and held the space with them. They screamed with anger. I sat and held the space with them. Inside, I was JUST as scared. Inside, I was JUST as angry. Inside, I was JUST as everything my clients were often saying and demonstrating they also felt.

Here in lies the peculiar space psychotherapists exist in….Not only in our professional capacity but in the outside world, there is often the assumption that we don't have all the feels others do. I am here to tell you a secret……

Shhhh……..

WE DO!!!!!!!!!

Phew, I got that out of the way.

If you are in therapy, or you have been, I am here to tell you we FEEL it all. As the now decades pass in this field, I am far less concerned for clients to see me as a robot with all the answers, and more concerned with having that authentic connection with my clients. While I maintain my professional boundaries in the space and do not go into commiserating with my clients, I do show up as REAL and EMOTIONALLY connected with my clients. I believe that makes me more effective and relatable, and if they have questions ….I WANT them to ask me. I want them to know that yes, I too:

CRIED and grieved the loss of my college friend, knowing I’d never see her beautiful smile again. Not a another college reunion, ever! In groups, I would not discuss as my role was to be supportive to members who were also frightened. But I did cry, and was filled with sadness and fear for our world.

GRIEVED the loss of every single member at Gilda’s Club. I went to funerals. I sat with families. I facilitated groups after and processed the loss. I developed a ritual to listen to specific music as I traveled to the funerals and would allow myself space to feel whatever I was feeling. In groups, I would disclose my grief as well, but in an effort to normalize what they were also feeling and at times that was super difficult to not join in the process but rather hold the space for others to do so.

MOURNED for our country as I was fearful of what would come of our nation as this person become president. I discussed with mentors and friends the fears and questions, and worked through those feelings as best I could as if I didn’t, there were certain to come up in sessions with clients. It continues to be a source of great distress for clients….and my role is to just hold the space for them, helping them process feelings and focus on what they can control and ways to create change in their world, perhaps….

But all awhile, we are feeling every bit as much as clients are……

Enter…..PANDEMIC. Yes! Yes! Yes! We are feeling it too. Not seeing clients in person, not being able to see friends/family with the ease I once did, traveling….ugh…I miss the traveling so much. We feel it and yes, it comes up nearly every single session with clients. Every. Single. Session. Is there a new discipline or technique for “processing the pandemic?” because it seriously feels like what I talk about all the damn time! Can I specialize in this now? (silently laughing….)

We are not robots. If someone is looking for a purely stoic psychotherapist, I am not HER! Being in the field now for longer than I care to acknowledge, I have learned the balance and the necessity for clients to see that I am not perfect, I am not totally evolved (I DO work on my personal/spiritual journey daily, but it is a journey and we are not finished until we are…well finished…so yeah, I still have work to do!)….and I hope that is a factor that makes me effective and real with my clients. It is part of my mission in this life to break down the robotic nature of the profession and allow space for authenticity and in that…perhaps HOPE that we are all working through this together.

HOPE for:

Hugs again.

Spontaneous happy hours again.

Travel.

In person sessions without masks or shields or thermometers.

Crowded yoga classes.

Lightness to return to our world……

Wishing you all hope. And peace in your journey…today and in the days and week and months to come….

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