My hope for this post is simple: those who are skeptics may read this with an open mind and heart. Those who “know” already “know” but I hope you will also share in hopes this will help someone who needs to hear this message…..

I was born into a conservative-traditional Catholic family, one month before the “War on Drugs” began in the U.S. Included in this war were all forms of psychedelics, stating they had no medicinal value. Never mind tobacco and alcohol have continued to be legal despite having any medicinal value and collectively killing 4.5 million plus per year in the U.S. alone. Please stop with the red wine is good for you rhetoric people, as beyond 1 glass it loses its benefit and who stops at one? This has been the reality I and most Americans have existed in since the 1970s. While indigenous cultures have used these sacred medicines perhaps since the beginning of time, we lost our right to choose to explore the wisdom we can often find through these altered states that come from these medicines. We lost our right to choose for ourselves. There is a theme in our country.

I grew up watching all the government T.V. ads with “just say no” and “this is you, this is your brain on drugs” and the after-school-special type movie featuring one unlucky soul who smoked weed one time and it was laced with angel dust, subsequently causing him to jump out the window of some psychiatric facility. The “drugs are bad” message was very clearly received in my adolescent brain, effectively keeping me from trying most drugs. My path has changed.

I had my first psychedelic experience recently, partially in preparation for more education/training, professionally, as a Psychedelic Assisted Therapist. I wanted to experience what it was like to truly be in an altered state of consciousness and wanted to better understand what I potentially could be asking future clients to do. While I have legally used medical cannabis for the past 5+ years, I had had no experience with psychedelics and I wasn’t even sure what to expect. After all, I grew up hearing DRUGS are BAD! (with the exception of those created by Big Pharma, but that’s another topic for another day…)

Some of my experience is now a little fuzzy while some of it is deeply personal and relevant only to me and my own life journey, thus will remain private. What I will share is more of a general experience, for those who are continuing to read with an open mind and heart and a sense of curiosity. I could see my life’s purpose very, very clearly. This was one of my intentions at the beginning of the session, and in truth has been in part an internal struggle I have been dealing with for some time. While initially I didn’t understand what I was seeing, the more I engaged with a conversation inward, the more I heard back and saw very clearly LIGHT. I am meant to be LIGHT in the world. What?!?!

When I published my first book, I was asked by a dear friend if I feared success or failure more. Without hesitation I responded with “Success!” and until recently I didn’t even understand why that was my response. While I wouldn’t have spent hours and hours researching, writing, editing, and with a great deal of vulnerability, I launched my deeply personal book out into the world desiring for it to reach absolute NO ONE…. I was also afraid (on an unconscious more than conscious level) of becoming someone who was “famous” as a psychotherapist turned author. What I could see or feel or hear (again, it’s so difficult to understand what was so clear in an altered state but now is fuzzy-er) in this other state was the various ways I sabotaged myself to avoid having a bigger presence in this world, avoiding the purpose I can see inside scares me! I’ve canceled public speaking events about my book, resisted finding a formal marketing team, and haven’t picked up my book or talked about it since shortly after I published it over a year ago!

My book, and I, are in a sort of limbo. And the worst part of it….I am the one in my own way!

I don’t feel like I “fit” in around those I grew up with or the more alternative lifestyle people I share many interests with in terms of music, arts, spirituality, and more recently plant-based medicines. I have many tattoos and purple highlighted hair and am really acutely struggling with organized religion while I continue to hold on to my Catholic faith (with some Buddhist tendencies) and haven’t changed my name to something cool like River or Meadow like some of the others I am meeting in this new space…I have felt a little lost….and lonely…..

Normal (though the singer/artist is referring to her sexual identity, this is also how I feel a good portion of my life…wishing I could be “normal.”)

What I felt/saw/heard/realized in my psychedelic-assisted therapy session was this: because I am in a sense between both worlds, I am meant to be the bridge between the two, illuminating both spaces in some ways I don’t fully understand right now. My controlling self wants to know the “why” and the “how” so badly…… while it was clear-er in that space, I am practicing trusting it will be revealed more over time as I am ready to hear what I already know deep inside myself. The medicine (psilocybin) allowed me to be open and see and experience exactly what I needed.

****Side note, typically I have anxiety that can be debilitating in group settings, especially professional spaces where I need to share/contribute. This weekend, I participated in an intensive 3-day education program on psychedelic-assisted therapy and I not only had ZERO anxiety in speaking, I actually VOLUNTEERED to give input without even being asked. This has not happened to me in my memory. Ever…. so…. I mean that’s not “nothing.”

I will continue to share, and write on this topic and currently am exploring it for my next book. In the meantime, may all who read this continue to be curious, and lead your life with an open heart, and open mind.

Peace…..