Class of 2020 your Grief is Valid. Stopping the Comparative Suffering Narrative
Like most Americans, I learned of the extension of shelter in place last night and found myself sitting with a host of feelings. Anger. Sadness. Grief. Empathy. Sorrow. That made sense to me, until I jumped on social media to find the following “reminders” to all of us grieving during this pandemic:
Remember what all the soldiers who went off to war must have been feeling. At least we are sheltering in the comfort of our own homes. Yes! This is nothing like that sacrifice or horror. Yes…thank you for the reminder.
You are being asked to take safety in the comfort of your own home. Yes….. if we live in a safe home, we are blessed. Also, thank you for the reminder.
Anne Frank was in hiding in an attic with 7 other family members/friends for approximately 25 months. Yes…. my house seems HUGE now, thank you for the reminder.
Yes. Yes. Yes. While I whole heartedly agree with each and every statement, the danger with these “comparative sufferings” is the risk of invalidating the grief that many of us are experiencing today, and will continue to feel for days and weeks and months to come.
While getting ready this morning to meet with my clients in this new landscape of “telehealth” I listened to one of my favorite researchers and story tellers (and social workers!), Brene Brown. Her new podcast “Unlocking Us” spoke on this very topic and I audibly (thank goodness no one else was around but my dog who is already judging me anyway for a variety of things, so add to the list!) yelled YES! Thank you!
We are not in a competition here. Grief is Grief. Yes, there are variations or degrees, but faced with the difficult reality that you:
May have to postpone your wedding is devastating
Won’t be able to celebrate your Bar or Bat Mitzvah is crushing
Are worried about having a baby in a hospital filled with COVID-19 patients and oh by the way your significant other cannot be there with you to welcome in the birth of your new child… unthinkable
Are uncertain how you will pay your bills this month is terrifying
Won’t be attending school the rest of the year, and you are a senior and all the sports, academics, dances, and events are now all in jeopardy and you cannot even be with your friends to share in this sadness because you are all practicing social distancing
And college…… will the class of 2020 even be able to go to college in the fall
That is where we are all are right now. Perhaps the last 2 are a little bit more explicit because that is literally where my family is right now, grieving with our son who is grieving the loss of all that he has been working towards since he started school at 4 years old.
And it’s ok to call it GRIEF. Because it is!
No, it’s not war grief or poverty grief or holocaust grief, but it is GRIEF. Grief is not a finite emotion that can only be given to the most horrific, the most explicable event or tragedy. Our emotions do not work this way. The more we allow space for our emotions to just be, the more we are training ourselves the validity and purpose in all of them. Except worry…and shame…. but those are a topic for another time.
When we invalidate feelings, we only give our brain the signal to hang on to them longer. It’s light a beaming light or a gigantic flag saying PAY ATTENTION! Try to stuff it down, it’ll show up anyway! Try to ignore it, it’ll hang around like the horrible acoustic onion that snuck onto your sandwich even though you ordered it without!
So, give yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling right now. Support one another and give each other permission to grieve if grief shows up for you. You don’t have to self help your way through this….just give yourself permission to BE.
I believe there will be light, there will be joy, and there will be many more days and events to celebrate in the future! Yes! But for this moment, for the days to come, let me and the others who are grieving, grieve. The more space (perhaps just emotional, hey we are all social distancing right now, at home!) you allow all of us to grieve, the more quickly and fully we will be able to show up for others in the bright and beautiful future I am certain is yet to come.
Peace…..