This photo made me laugh when I was searching for an image….yet it is precisely how I feel at times while writing. Learning to sit with my discomfort has not only been an actual lesson for me (as a person with a chronic pain condition) but also a lesson in speaking my (and marginalized, undeserved, undesirables) truths to the world.

A few years back, I was in a late night discussion with a friend. I was explaining my belief that I was, at least at times, a MESS! This friend didn’t entirely disagree with me, but let me sit in my own observation. Over time, this one time friend brought up my tendency towards codependecy. For those of you who aren’t in the psychotherapy world, or perhaps you don’t read on these topics regularly, this was more than a little unsettling to hear. People who are “codependent” have a tendency to excessively rely on other people’s approval for a sense of his/her own identity.

As you can imagine, I took “slight” offense to this observation, and then quickly examined everything I could about the situation and analyzed my “fault” in it and quickly tried to get him/her to love and appreciate me. (wait, what did I do? Isn’t that the definition?)

YES!

And as difficult as it was to hear, this was indeed accurate and it has absolutely been a life-long journey for me to separate my own self worth from the opinion of others of me. Hence, writing is the ultimate challenge, and becoming increasingly so as I attempt to take on more difficult topics, on a journey towards my own and other’s peace. Yesterday, I wrote on the topic of the death penalty, specifically but not only in regards to racial inequality with the sentence. I knew when I pressed “publish” there would be some backlash. I CHOOSE to keep people of differing political/spiritual/moral/ethical backgrounds in my social media circle for this reason (mostly)….. TO LEARN FROM EACH OTHER! Rather than lean into my “codependency,” I pressed “publish” and allowed the comments to come in…which they did, almost instantly. Some in support, and some in absolute disagreement. Only this time, I sat with both ends of the spectrum and did not feel anything different about myself with that additional data. Growth?

The longer I am on this earth, the more I understand true learning and growth only comes from the times when we are sitting in discomfort, digging deep to the places we try hide from the world, pushing ourselves to embrace our imperfections. In this space, only true growth can happen. It sometimes does feel like you are sitting on a GIGANTIC cactus, holding on for dear life to not let any further damage to penetrate into your fragile skin. Other times it may feel like we are drowning.

But know this… we learn far more from the times when we are challenged than by the times things have come easy for us.

When I ran my last (probably last….) marathon in Berlin, Germany I had this message blaring in my head for a painfully long time. I went into the marathon injured due to a previous “fun 60-mile trail relay run with friends” that quickly went wrong. I decided to run it anyway. From the moment I stepped onto the course, my leg was swollen and hurt. Not exactly how one wants to start a 26.2 mile race that is supposed to be the FUN! (I’m slow, so it better be fun or why the hell and I doing it?) I HOBBLED through so much of the course, in excruciating pain. I stopped at a Catholic churches along the way to get Holy water and pray. I pushed on. By myself. The crowd was thinning. The supplies along the way were less and less as the day went on…but nevertheless, I persisted.

I learned more about myself that day than I had from any of my other marathons. I felt so proud of myself for not quitting though my body really wanted to several times. I was proud of myself for finishing a goal I had set out to do. I was proud of myself for doing something that really only made me happy, and had little if anything to do with anyone else.

It is in these times that we truly GROW. When we learn that we as humans are capable of doing hard things. So sit with the discomfort. EMBRACE the gigantic cactus that may be your life- right now- and remind yourself…. YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS!