When Jealousy Joins Me at the Gym
5 am is freakishly early to be doing anything, let alone showing up at a very intense circuit training workout.
I was already feeling old & little insecure when this exchange happened….
“Sarah”…Hey I like your shoes.
M …oh, thanks. I love newton’s. They’re great. Helps me to run on ball of feet vs the heal (noticing she is tuning out, but honestly I would too. who cares? Awkward.)
“Sarah”….how can you wear them here? I run 40+ miles a week outside but do this too, and found the cross training wore them out more.
M…..(insecurity building….here comes the diarrhea of the mouth about my running, in case she was thinking I wasn’t a “real” athlete)…Oh, I haven’t found that to happen. I have run 5+ marathons and blah blah blah half marathons and …..
Did she care? Probably not. Who knows.
I am interested in this: Why did I feel like I needed to justify my worthiness to be at a 5am workout to a total stranger who was JUST commenting on my shoes?
Insecurity, my old friend was in full force. When I was in the midst of the conversation, I couldn’t see it for what it was, but when I stepped on the treadmill next to you guessed it, “Sarah”, I could see it so much more clearly.
In reflection, it wasn’t her comments on my running shoes that seemed out of norm, or really my sharing my race history though I even found myself rolling my own eyes a little while I was sharing it. The “why” I was sharing was more concerning to me. Why was it necessary?
Brene Brown writes “you either walk inside your own story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your own worthiness.”
For years I have read and re-read this quote trying to make sense of it in my own life. I have a lot of baggage around running. I have been in the community for over 14 years. Discussions on shoes/running skirts/sports bras/races is commonplace. I have been in the midst of said conversations countless times, and while I can recognize this normal curiosity and sharing of a mutual interest, there often is an inner voice in me suggesting I haven’t earned my place to be a “real runner” and it is in those times I feel myself edging towards “hustling for my own worthiness” in the field.
What makes one a real runner? Or a real anything for that matter?
For those who care, I have run over a dozen half marathons. Is that enough? I have run 5 full marathons. Is that enough? And enough, for whom?
I am not my pace. I am not my distance. I am not my gait or my shoes or my skirt or my headphones or play list or or or or…..I am so much more and so much not any of that superficial stuff. While I like to think I am above superficiality, in this instance, I was reminded of my weakness. My weakness has nothing to do with the pace, or distance, or my attire. My weakness is my struggle to fully embrace these words:
“What other people think about me is none of my business”
(thank you to one of my yoga teachers for TEACHING me this a few months back.)
It is none of my business what she or anyone else in the class thought of me that day. What matters is what I THINK of ME!
Somedays I feel like I am able to embrace my inner Kenyon (running nerd reference) and somedays I feel like an absolute sloth. (which isn’t so bad either since it is my absolute favorite animal next to my trusty dog Layla the Wonderdog)
So maybe in part it is about finding balance in our lives, and learning to listen to ourselves more than the messages of the world?
Be intentional in your activities. Know the why and trust in yourself to reach your OWN goals.
Learn to love the body YOU are living in. LIterally, it is the vehicle in which your spiritual self resides.
Remember your story, the how you got to where you are, is so much more interesting than whatever version you think others want to hear about you.
Know, if you let others in your life, you will have an entire cheering section helping you get to wherever it is you want to be.