peace...in cancer, and running, and finding "purpose" in it all....

I fight it.  My connection to cancer.For over than 20 years, cancer has been a prominent player in my life.Relative to my peers, I've known an inordinate number of people with cancer.  I've discussed blood counts, treatment side effects, bodily functions, sexual dysfunctions, and far too often death so often the topics have become commonplace.  Never easy, but commonplace.  Who knew there were so many ways to describe one's bathroom experiences?For more reasons that I cannot explain, I needed a change and wasn't sure how to achieve change, so I left my job.....Going into private practice, I thought I'd achieve that change and the emotional toll would be eliminated.  In doing so, I'd find a new purpose in life.I'm still searching....Maybe I'm impatient?Someone asked me recently if it mattered that I had a "purpose" in life....I quickly and easily responded, YES!  Quite frankly, I was perplexed that one would even ask.  Do others go through life without a "purpose"?  Really?For years, my purpose was clearly my passion as an oncology social worker.   And running.  And fundraising with my running. And motivating others to run and sometimes fundraise- and always for cancer support/awareness.  Over the past year, I've tried to distance myself from the world of cancer and fundraising.  I'm too tired.  I'm too overworked.  I'm too...something.....Crazy thing is.....in doing so, my passion for running has wavered too!  Who knew?I'm stubborn.  Deep down I already knew.They're all interconnected.  I will never finish first in a marathon, or first in my age group, or quite possibly never revisit my personal best times as my age/injuries/abilities increase/persist.  I've redefined my goal in a marathon as praying my wheels don't fall off and I don't crash and burn!  Running does not come naturally to me, having a greater sense of "purpose" in my training runs and races gives me the strength to continue when I feel like quitting.I recognize that non-runners might be thinking...um, why don't you just not run?  I don't have a simple (ok, or any) answer for that question.  Other than "I'm a runner...I must run." (Team "WTF" understands, I'm sure....)So why have I been fighting this?At a fundraising event last week, yes, as you might have guessed for my former employer, it all came flooding back to me...the memories of all the brave men/women/children I've known over the years with cancer...the lessons they've taught me about life....the laughter...the tears...the not knowing what is going to happen in life and finding a way to be still in the moment.....the pride I felt for being part of that community for so long.....One of my all time favorite quotes is this....maybe I've said it before?  It's so worth re-writing..."I wanted a perfect ending.  Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.  Delicious Ambiguity." Gilda Radner.Wonder if I found some purpose in my life again?While I may not know what's going to happen next in my life....and anyone who knows me knows that drives me crazy!  (Yes, I know I have some "control" issues).....I know there is one thing I can do to start re-instilling some passion and purpose in my life....Run.  Fundraise.  Encourage others to do so too for my favorite charity, Gilda's Club Metro Detroit.  It's what I know.  Just writing it makes me smile and ready to take on the hundreds of miles in training that await me.....Quote for the night...."Man (or Woman) is only great when he (or she) acts from passion." Benjamin DisraeliPeace........