What is your SHADOW Self?
How much do you know or witness your shadow self? What might it be trying to teach you?
Shadow Self is described as the parts of ourselves that don’t necessarily align with our perception of who we are or how we want to show up in the world, also understood as our “dark side.” These parts of ourselves may look like shame or fear or guilt or anger or insecurity.
It has been said humans are “whole only when we take into account our shadow self.” Djuana Barnes.
But…how many of us even know this aspect of self, and if we do, how much of that aspect is intermingled with shame that we don’t even know how to access that part of our own humanity?
This concept has been showing up in various spaces I’ve been present in lately, encouraging me to look at my own shadow self, despite my reluctance to do so. The parts of myself that I understand to be my “shadow parts” are ones I have spent a lifetime both pushing down AND attempting to present myself as being, perhaps, above having. I know that sentence is completely ridiculous, and in a more concerning way, is detrimental to any of our growth and full human experience.
We cannot fully be human without embracing our shadow selves. Only allowing ourselves to show the parts of us that appear to be pleasing to the world only serves to limit our growth and can serve to inadvertently give each of us the message that these parts are defective or flawed or shameful. Each of us has both lightness and darkness, good and bad, seen and unseen parts. It isn’t about eliminating these parts as much as it is about allowing ourselves to sit with them and better understand what they are there to teach us.
Carl Jung (1875-1961), was a Swiss psychiatrist and psychologist, who founded analytic psychology and first brought this concept into our discussion. It was his belief that the shadow self was comprised of personality traits or emotions, not necessarily bad but held in the shadow because those parts of ourselves were either invalidated or minimized or shamed by others, leading us to repress those parts of ourselves.
For example, anger is an emotion that often is associated with “being bad” or something humans feel ashamed of feeling/experiencing. Anger is neither good nor bad, it just is. Anger is, in fact, necessary for humans to feel in response to atrocities that happen in our world, else would we act to right a wrong or intervene or discipline or rise up to those who are in need?
What if we have been shamed for feeling anger in our life?
What if we didn’t have examples of how to work through our anger?
What if we have a very positive and peaceful public persona, how would the presence of anger align with what the public image is of oneself?
Would we hide it?
Would we ignore it?
Would we feel so ashamed for having it that we pushed it so far down we were unable to even access it when it was indeed valid and necessary?
If we have been told anger is bad throughout our lives, or told that we were “overreacting” when we even so much as tried to express our anger, one can start to see how that part of ourselves would then find comfort in the shadows. It challenges both what we think about ourselves, and what we have been conditioned to believe is appropriate or aligned with who we are.
Our shadow side can be as illuminating as our light side if we allow it to show us what it needs to show us. If we allow it to show us why and how we started to feel like we couldn’t say “I am angry” then we would be able to begin to fully embrace all parts of ourselves.
IGNORING the shadow self, wishing it away, and shaming oneself for even having a shadow self does not work to merge all that exists in our inner landscape. What it does is keeps us small, keeps us stuck, keeps us in a limited space of existence that might work for the benefit of others around us. Not everyone is vested in our changing and growth as our patterns of behavior and emotional responses often benefit others around us.
But….. making life better for others around us at our own expense, is not our job.
If you want to more fully embrace ALL your parts, even the ones who hang out in the darkness/shadows, small steps you can take to start this journey are:
Observe with curiosity what comes up for you in uncomfortable situations
Allow yourself to feel ALL emotions without judgment or shame
Find a professional psychotherapist to help you with this work (IFS is a great modality to start this work. Ask your mental health professional if he/she/they have training in this method.)
Meditate
Journal- freeform whatever comes up for you.
If you get out of your own way, you might be surprised what you can learn about yourself and allow ALL your parts to have a proper seat at the table. Embrace the messy- embrace your imperfections and find others in your life who love and accept you not despite your shadow self or dark side, but more because it is part of you and what makes you FULLY human.
Wishing you all progress not perfection in your day….
If you are wanting to learn more about this and other related topics…. this book might be for you!
