Everyone has a BREAKING point....a journey through the pandemic
When I started this journey in the blogging world, the intent I had set for myself was to be authentic, brave and vulnerable. While I try to be cognizant in my writing to attempt to have things relevant or a more universal truth or struggle, fist and foremost I try to write about what I know. May be that was some inherent truth I learned in some english class, but certainly when I look back over the nearly decade of my writing publicly, I can affirm the posts that have had the most “reads” or “shares” have indeed been the ones that I’m not only speaking my truth, but rather a universal truth that others are or have experienced.
Today on one of my 3 walks before 10 am (yes, I’ve been up awhile, also practiced yoga…..), I had what I have felt has been building up for months. Crying. Meltdown. Ugly tears…. I hesitated to share, even considering posting another “it’s all gonna be ok” post, attempting to motivate and inspire others who may need that today. However, near the end of this last walk I was reminded why I started writing in the first place…. to be authentic, brave and vulnerable.
As a writer, story teller, & therapist (along with mom, wife, daughter, cousin, etc….) I am first and foremost HUMAN. I don’t always like the “human” side of myself, often wishing that I could be spared the heartache and discomfort that comes with being fully human, but as a therapist I keenly understand that being fully human does indeed involve heartache and discomfort. We do not get to cherry pick the emotions we like akin to a carry out menu from the ever fleeting restaurant scene around us.
Having that knowledge does not make this process any easier, I assure you. In fact, for me (personally, I can only speak my truth) it complicates it. My intellect states this is part of being human. While my ego states….don’t let others know how you really feel as you may appear weak, flawed, or damaged. Truth is today I feel all of those things. I feel weak. I feel flawed. I feel damaged. I can’t intellectualize or “therap-ize” myself out of this right now.
And thus…the BREAKDOWN. Of ugly, hysterical tears ensued on my walk today.
I’m missing walking and talking and sharing the news of the day with my friends. In person yoga classes. News that doesn’t include a death toll daily. News that is perhaps at least neutral vs fear-mongering and a seemingly endless supply of sadness. I miss tea/coffee with my favorite therapy colleagues & the uncertainty of when that will return. I miss seeing clients face to face. I’m grieving loss of my son’s senior year, and graduation practices. I’m fearful of my family getting sick. Scared of losing my parents. Disgusted wearing a mask, carrying around hand sanitizer, wiping down every single surface I may have even thought about touching multiple times a day. Miss having someone cut/color/wash my hair & fix my unruly eyebrows. Miss hugging. I miss baking food for family, friends, neighbors. Missed vacations to be able to escape the day to day routine, and re-group and center myself. Miss community. Miss planning for the future. Miss parades. Festivals. Concerts. Beers on patios. And really connecting with others vs continually crossing the street for fear of getting too close to people.
It’s FREAKING overwhelming!
As much as I have held space for others, encouraged and listened to clients, today I had to face that I, too, am really struggling this space and refuse to call this a “new NORMAL.” I don’t want us to get used to this, to:
Sending our kids off to school with masks. No recesses. No lunch in cafeterias. No field trips. To family members dying alone in hospitals or nursing homes. To NOT celebrating life events. To NOT going to movies, or concerts, or vacations, or parades. To questioning every single person who dares to cough in public. To judging if someone does/doesn’t have a mask on or if their grocery run was “necessary and essential.” To cancelling plans with family members/friends for fear of contracting or spreading the virus. I don’t want any of this to be our new normal.
Today. I have no choice. This is our life.
And while I don’t want it to be our “new normal”, I also can see a space for not going back to practices and patterns that existed prior to this space either. Greed. Selfishness. Taking family members/friends/loved ones for granted. There is a quote/mantra/saying that continues to play in my mind “instead of asking why this is happening, ask instead what is trying to teach you”………..
I’m not there right now. Today, instead of doing what I typically do….and yes, those who are close to me can attest I am very skillful in minimizing my own feelings, switching the subject, turning questions towards other person, and redirecting…I’m a master at this practice! Instead…today I am going to rest. Enjoy the sunshine. Lean into the stillness….and trust the Universe/God/the Divine has a greater purpose than I may even understand right now. What I do know for certain is this…the only way through grief is to allow yourself to move through it. Messy. Painful. Awkward. But through….and today, the great reminder is I am not spared this universal truth, and know if you are struggling…if you are hurting… I am right there with you.
So go cry the ugly tears….. I started the process for you…..
