How I embraced turning 49 & you can too (regardless of your age)

This past year, leading up to my 49th birthday, I have been on this incredible journey of growth. Ever take a hard look at your life and realize you are just STUCK? When we are young, and I can now safely say I am no longer in that category, it is so much easier to say it’s “this person’s fault or this scenario or this hardship or this or that” preventing me from getting what I want/need in life…but as we “mature” through life, the very stark reality we are left with emerges: Our happiness & peace in life is OUR individual responsibility. No one else can make that happen for you. If we are unsettled, stuck, unhappy, or struggling….it is ultimately our human responsibility to make a shift…..sometimes meaning to lean in and sometimes meaning to let go…..

This is sooooo simple, right? We all know this! But simple does not mean it’s easy.

I started to explore more ways to write in authentic & vulnerable ways. Reducing my edits (which I am sure increased my grammatical errors and typos) in lieu of more heart felt content to be shared in the world. Even if no one ever reads another word that I write, I began writing more, moved more by spirit and less by intellect. I lost that along the way somewhere, and began to lean in to what I truly love in life, creating and writing….thank you Glennon Doyle for those inspirational words that continue to guide me.

I started running again. SLOW. And somedays painful, but started to challenge that inner voice that still tells me I’m not good enough, fast enough, & skinny enough to be a runner…and just started running again. Is my pain worse? Some days, WAY worse. But I am growing ever so certain it isn’t from my running per say, and rather that internal struggle inside I have yet to resolve. Regardless of my pace or distance, I have begun to lean into my running and reclaim my identity as a “runner” once more…..

I’ve joined more social media platforms, explored more tech-y ways to stay connected, and expand my reach in writing and facilitating guided mediation, and eventually in speaking and “retreating”….without guarantee. without an absolute clear plan. without professional guidance, but learning to trust in myself and allow the Universe to show up and support me. Thus far…. verdict is still out. But I trust, in my leaning into the unknowing, I will eventually come through with increased skill set, increased confidence, and pride in my not running away from my own insecurities, but learn to challenge them instead.

And..I left (let go) what was once a comfortable & secure group therapy practice, and started my own private practice. My therapeutic skills and my connection with clients is something for which I allow myself to feel pride. However, nothing about the business side of my practice was I prepared to deal with nor did I feel particularly skillful at tackling. From the start, there were billing issues (OMG, insurance is so freaking complicated, and slow, and FRUSTRATING to deal with….ok, rant over), and building a website and having payment options and all the “things” that I used to joke made me choose a career in social work because I am not “good with money or detail orientated stuff”…. no matter how I felt about it or how good or bad I was at doing said “business task”…I still needed to do it. Bills needed to be paid. I needed to figure out the insurance fiasco with my biller. I needed to make countless phone calls to deal with so many out of my comfort zone tasks, or run away.

I did have a strong desire to pick up all that I valued most in my life, pack them in a suitcase and board a plane for some exotic location, living close the beach, and either making juices or smoothies on the beach for vacationers, or learn how to braid hair much better and offer that to people on the beach…..but then realized my humans and fur-babies were FAR too large and probably wouldn’t appreciate being shoved in a suitcase….so I decided against this fool proof plan…..

I leaned into this new business/career venture, and let go all that was keeping me stuck, making me feel less than, and just moved forward. Am I perfect at this step? No…but I am working at it, and every time something scary comes up, I take a big breath, close my eyes…and say to myself “you are stronger than you think. You are braver than you believe….” and I move forward. Reminding myself I am enough, I am worthy, exactly as I am…mistakes and missteps and all. I. Am. Enough.

Each day we make these decisions, leaning in or letting go. Moving forward or staying stuck.

There was a time, I, like others, thought 30 was old. Then 40. Now…staring down 50, I am learning to embrace while this may all seem like an ending, of youth, of innocence, of being young, what I truly value in growing older is the perspective it allots us if we are paying attention.

So I embrace turning 49, and will never be embarrassed, or ashamed, or lie about my age. EVER. Aging, is a LUXURY, afforded to only some……and I am truly grateful. For each day I am gifted to spend on this amazing, beautiful place we call Mother Earth.

Peace…..