Grief is one of the paths you must walk alone...... guidance for all who are hurting
Recently, I was facilitating a session with a client in the midst of her own journey with grief. Painfully. Tearfully. She cried throughout the session wondering how she would be able to carry on with her own life, while (fortunately) being aware of the need for her to find a way to do so. There was that look in her eye that I have seen countless times before throughout my career, the wonder if it is even worth the heartache and effort and struggle to go on in the “hopes” that joy and peace and happiness are somewhere on the other side of the grieving.
I have seen it. That moment in another’s eyes where he/she is debating if letting go and ending things for him/her is a more palatable option. This work is NOT for the faint of heart. It is hard. It can be exhausting. Holding space for another with no ability to accurately predict if ever it will feel better is excruciatingly painful for those of us watching this process, too. But hold the space is all we truly can do.
Grief is a path we must traverse through alone. There are books, groups, mantras, prayers, fields of psychological research devoted to the process of grief and while I encourage my clients to “seek” all of the stuff…it yields little solace when one is in the midst of grief. That is another painful truth.
While we, in the field of psychotherapy especially, can rattle off the rote response of “time heals all wounds” or “give it time…you will feel better one day” the truth is I am not sure what comfort that gives to one truly in the midst of grief. Loss of a loved one from death. Loss of health. Loss of a beloved and treasured relationship. It is viscerally painful to not only be in the midst of it, but to watch another and feel utterly helpless in his/her process.
What we do know, with appropriate support (via family/friends and/or therapy) and TIME, yes…grief’s emotional intensity will subside. With friends who will listen even at the point of their exhaustion, without judgment or rushing the process, the emotional intensity will subside. With validation that the feelings are real, the feelings are painful, and the knowledge that ALL feelings are transitory, the emotional intensity will subside.
Being in the midst of a pandemic, and utter chaos going around us in the world, this is not a particularly convenient time for grief to also show up. But…life goes on, and for some of us, grief is a part of it.
So my guidance for all of you reading it this…..
If you are grieving, know that it is not a linear path, and there is not time table for when you are supposed to move through this process. Time & space will become your friends in the process. And continue to trust that joy, peace and happiness will be yours again. If you have doubts, please reach out to others to remind you of this: we all benefit from you being the best version of yourself, and we can be patient in your process and wait for “YOU” to return.
If you know someone grieving, Please do not abandon your hurting friend/family member. I know it’s uncomfortable. I know it is painful. I know you want him/her to “move on”…but know if they could, they would. No one likes to feel the sting of grief, but with anyone who has loved, and lost, we all know it is the true price for loving deeply…..and I , for one, never want to be called away from loving. Loving fully, deeply, passionately is truly a privilege and gift and I for one have been willing to pay that debt, to know that feeling even if it isn’t forever. Your friends/family members need you. Show up for them.
Resources:
“On Grief & Grieving. Finding the meaning of grief through the 5 stages of loss” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, MD & David Kessler
“It’s ok that you’re not ok” Megan Devine
“The fall of freddie the leaf” Leo Buscaglia (my ALL time fave, a children’s book but amazing!)
“When things fall apart: heart advice for difficult times.” Pema Chodron
****There are also many online & in-person support services for all forms of grief.
Wishing you all peace in this journey….
