What do you FEAR?

I’m not talking about fear of heights or snakes or sharks. Those are rational, right? And we can all agree we can live perfectly content and productive lives without doing “work” to overcome these fears…

Maybe….

Have you given thought to what your life might look like if you moved through life FEARLESS?

When you woke up this morning, did you already set up a list of things you simply could not do because you felt like it was something available for another, but certainly not for you? Do the stories you tell yourself and the fears you have about the unknowns keep you small? Does it keep you from your ability to”

Apply for that “reach” job?

Register for a marathon?

Book a trip on your own to a place where you don’t speak the language and don’t know anyone who lives there?

Apply for graduate school?

Make a dating profile?

Do that “thing” you’ve always dreamed of doing?

How often do we find ourselves defeated before we even get out of the starting gate?

When I was young, I remember being so consumed by fear of what others thought of me, or how I looked, that I stopped myself from trying new things unless I was absolutely certain I’d be good at doing that thing. I see this so often in our world and wonder what our world would look like if we all moved through life with less fear. What would happen if you didn’t know what the outcome was to be, but went after what you truly desired anyway?

While I understand this pattern I created for myself long ago, it by no means implies I am perfect at challenging this and pushing myself forward anyway. Seeing this pattern doesn’t mean it’s any less uncomfortable for me either. It continues to be both frustrating and humbling for me… especially when I thought it was a stage of life that was left behind me long ago…..

When I embarked on writing my first book, a myriad of insecurities resurfaced within me throughout the process. While I felt like this was something I truly wanted to do, there was this stronger driving force that felt as if it was coming through me and not of me, if that makes sense to anyone reading. By completing the book, going through the brutal editing process, and eventually publishing it, I mistakenly thought I had CONQUERED the proverbial mountain that is my insecurity. I was LIVING vulnerability and thought, OK, here it goes…this book is now going to be wildly successful without my having to do anything else for it, and then I will no longer be insecure or second-guess myself or move forward in my life exceedingly hesitant due to my own fears.

Oh…How I was WRONG!

I worked really hard on my book. I suffered, and yes, I do mean suffered, through edits. I published my book and self-promoted it via my limited social media outlets. 9 months later, I have yet to re-coup what it cost me to publish my book. I have been left defeated…… desperately wanting to crawl back into the relatively anonymous hole I exist in for this life. Part of me wants to forget I even dreamed this big, and just move forward in my life as if I hadn’t.

A dear friend of mine asked me if I feared being successful or failing. I quickly and assuredly responded I was more fearful of being successful, to which this friend disagreed with me almost as assuredly. This friend was right.

Feeling like my hard work was a failure has been devastating. I stopped writing. Stopped participating in anything that was giving me great joy before, and fell into a depression…….oh what a familiar space, that keeps me small, safe, and void of dreaming too big. Or at all….

This same friend has since sent me articles about the harrowing and humbling journeys of other writers, reminding me that effort is needed for most of our goals to come to fruition. It hasn’t fully taken root but starting to plant seeds….

Staying small feels so much less risky. Living an anonymous life, keeping whatever wisdom I’ve gleaned in my professional and personal life closely guarded feels so much safer. If I never put my work out there, then there is no one judging me and that feels pretty darn fantastic if I am being honest. Judgments and criticisms have continued to be very difficult for me and can contribute to a downward spiral if I am not keeping myself in check. Hence…the editing process was ‘brutal’ for me to endure. Should ‘highly sensitive people’ even subject themselves to this type of feedback? (Yes, I know that’s where growth happens, but…. intellect and emotions aren’t always aligned in this process)

But what if the work isn’t even about me? What if the hard work and the dreaming big isn’t about any of us personally, but more about those who we can connect with or inspire in a different way? What if there is a larger purpose of going through this process to help someone else not feel the way I have, is the reason I am doing it and it really has little to do with me? What if all of us aren’t meant to live small lives, and that is actually a lie that keeps us from not only achieving but in some ways even identifying what we are meant to do on this earth? Can we comb through the space that feels sticky and uncomfortably and in some way as if we are NAKED to the world, and instead embrace those times as truly our ability to grow and change and thrive?

I don’t have all the answers, and starting to suspect I never will, and maybe that is the point. If I can embrace that space, maybe then, I can allow myself to speak to what I know and let that be enough. More importantly, can I let the process and the journey be what is important, rather than whatever my arbitrary definition of success being the driver?

I’m sitting with the feelings of ‘being a failure’ or my first book ‘not being an overnight success’ and while it doesn’t feel amazing, it hasn’t completely crushed me either so maybe that is part of my journey. If I believe in my work, maybe what is happening now is necessary for me to stand up and fight for myself, which may be part of the this process all along….. and I hope it will encourage others to do the same.

You want to sit with me and talk about what it feels like to be so excited and believe in something with your whole heart & then not see immediately land on the New York Times Best Sellers list as you once had dreamed…and learn that it really is ok…. then pull up a chair and tell me your story. And let me assure you…what you did mattered. What you learned in the process mattered. And what you choose to do going forward is entirely up to you… you get to determine what your story is, and hope you remember to acknowledge the presence of FEAR, but learn to NOT let it be the driving force to keep you from what you are TRULY MEANT to be doing in this one incredibly precious life you have been given.

Wishing you peace…and the courage to face your fears…and the willingness to fall along the way….

Just get back up……..

World Peace is an Inside Job