If 2020 was a tree......

Spiky. Gnarly. Barren. Pokey. Dreary. Chaotic. If 2020 was a tree….it would look just like this!

As I laid in savasana, also known as corpse pose or the final pose in most yoga practices, I thought….yes! This tree just about is fitting for the year that feels like a lifetime and a moment all at the same time. While I was so thankful to be practicing yoga with others outside in November in the midwest as we are in the beginning of yet another partial shut down due to COVID, I chose to gaze at the tree rather than close my eyes in this very familiar and restorative pose.

What was I looking at (or for) today?

Why did this tree feel significant?

I am exhausted, like seemingly everyone around me. This year has brought so much sadness, and unlike other times when difficulties have shown up, there is little escape. Vacations. Concert. Festivals. Celebrations. Routines. Traditions. All have taken a back seat, are on hiatus, or are perhaps interrupted forever. What is left is a painful trail of emotions. Just like this tree…. raw and naked.

As I laid on my mat, in the center of town on the sidewalk… yes, that is actually where the practice was this day… the thought of “what am I seeking?” continued to circle in my already lethargic mind.

2020 began with my being hospitalized with mono & CMV & parvo in early March. How a nearly 50-year-old woman gets those three viruses I still have no idea, nor did my medical team of doctors. Our unprecedented year continued with COVID & political instability, and like many, there were times when it just felt like too much. But around seemingly every corner, there appeared to be yet another stressor to address in my world. My Dad’s issues with renal failure, my beloved “Layla the Wonderdog’s” seizures due to a possible stroke, my Aunt’s diagnosis with multiple myeloma, my son’s senior year and subsequent launch into freshmen year of college that feels like it…wasn’t….to seemingly endless historic old house issues including but not limited to an electric fire….I found myself saying “ok, ok, ok” as if to signal the universe about my tremendous fatigue and overwhelm….

But….

it keeps coming…….

And the truth is…. I know it isn’t just me. I know it. I know there are millions of us exhausted. I hear from my clients, I hear from my family, I hear from my friend, I hear on the news. We are all exhausted. We are all suffering. In that moment, gazing up at that stark tree, I wanted for that moment to feel validated in my own suffering. Rather than say “yeah I know it could be worse” because right in that moment, and the seemingly thousand of moments before it this year alone, I just felt like I was dealing with more than enough….and I was tired. bone…tired……

I suspect, in some ways, we all can relate to this barren, spiky, pokey tree in the center of a city….

But what if there is more to see?

It is so difficult to see beauty when we are staring into the abyss of darkness.

As I laid on my mat…gazing…suddenly I saw what I was searching for right in front of me…..

If I was JUST looking at the tree…at the darkness….I was missing the brilliant blue sky that surrounded the tree as if it was suspended in space and time. Then I saw it… and smelled the soothing incense that our lovely yoga teacher brought out on the sidewalk in hopes it would inspire all of us. I heard the breath around me, not only from my own lungs but from the others who decided to show up this beautiful morning. And I felt the support, the collective support, from the community of yogis around me.

In this moment…I understood.

This year has absolutely been my absolute worst on record, which makes me incredibly sad as it was also the year my youngest graduated from HS and has started college. I dreamt of this milestone for YEARS….. and have really struggled to get out of the darkness. But staring at the tree….just like the brilliant blue sky, the incense, the breath, and the support…I was reminded throughout I have had some amazing friendships grow, I have been reminded of my incredible inner strength, and remembered even in the darkest of times…there will always, always be light…………

Look for your light.

Let go of what no longer serves you and find a new way.

Forgive. Not for those who hurt you, but because you deserve to be free from the pain and heartache.

And keep…on…swimming…….

Wishing you all peace, and joy, and happiness…. and strength to get through difficult times. Remember you CAN do hard things, and yes….this year is filled with those reminders. But it is also filled with beauty…. sometimes it just takes us a little longer to see it, through the barrenness of the trees……….