Why choosing to not "fit in" is my conscious choice as an adult

I have vivid memories of wanting to have “Jordache jeans” when I was a child, and my parents unwilling to spend the money to buy me said jeans. If you were a child of the 80s, you know it is not an underestimate to say that nearly everyone who was “anyone” owned and wore these jeans, and the tighter they were the better! As a young child/teen, finances and how we choose to spend our money was absolutely of no relevance to me. All I knew was the “cool kids had them” and I….did not. As a child/teen, I was certain if I owned these jeans, I would then be “cool” too and thus “fit in” with all the other kids I clearly did not, and in my mind the “lack of Jordache jeans” was certainly THE FACTOR keeping me from “fitting in” with the “IT” crowd.

When you know better…..you do better……..

There is a stark difference between “fitting in” and “belonging” and yet as a young child/teen I didn’t understand this truth. Fitting in is a falsehood, temporary and a seemingly endless endeavor of hustling for your own self worth. It’s the continual effort of “pick me! I’m worth it” when the actual act of doing so implies one is anything but. As a child/teen, I was given more than enough signs that I was indeed not part of the “IT” group, and in truth it wasn't so much that I wanted to be friends with those who were in the group, I just didn’t want to feel like I was less than… a struggle that has followed me well into my adulthood.

Belonging, in contrast is the solidity of knowing those around you love and respect and may be most importantly like you for who and what you are. Period. There is no altering your personality, your look, your worth, your monetary status, your job, your sexual orientation, your faith, your interests….. I could go on (and those who read my blog routinely, have no doubt I could) rather it is the absolute acceptance and love of YOU!

Have you been in the 2 different situations? Can you tell the difference?

In college, I went through “Rushing” a sorority as a sophomore. I remember going from house to house, and being keenly aware of my clothing, my make-up, my hair….as if that was what (and in some ways with certain sororities) defined me as a person. In hindsight, the process was somewhat demoralizing, and by all means superficial BS. Now, please do not misconstrue my words to mean my time in my eventual sorority was also as such. On the contrary, some of my best friends and deepest friendships have been a result of this initial awkward process. The indoctrination into the sorority life was indeed and effort of “fitting in” with others, and what transpired over the next few years was finding friends/sisters who I truly belonged with in life. Shared interests beyond clothing/makeup, shared values, shared moral compasses….that is what has bonded us to move beyond the initial efforts of fitting in to finding our little units of belonging in a sea of over 100+ sisters who wore the same Greek Letters on their boxy/unflatteing sweatshirts like I wore ad nauseam.

Seeking to fit in always puts one person in control while the other is seeking the acceptance. It’s a horrible position to be in as a person, and one I refused to do as an adult…..

Into adulthood, I swore I’d never be in relationships with anyone whom I felt didn’t fully accept me as ME. Furthermore, I vowed I would never seek to fit in with my clothing, my hair, my occupation, my friend groups, my activities, etc nor world I seek permission to fully be who I WANTED to be, even if it was at the risk of having fewer friends, fewer engagements to go out (in truth, it is a dream as an introvert to have little on my schedule) and not be part of the “IT” crowd.

So I have tattoos that are visible, going against I am sure my parents and many others in the world conventional wisdom. When I am 80+ (If I live that long, God willing) will I regret them? May be? But somehow I doubt it as it will be a constant reminder of my efforts to forge my own path and ideas in life. I have purple peekaboo highlights in my hair, which somewhat throws people off at times..and no, I don’t plan on getting rid of them soon I drive an insanely small convertible that I LOVE and can proudly say I never succumbed to owning a minivan EVER, not that I judge those who do, but I question why it is necessary when one only has 1-2 children and is it more because everyone else has one, or really because you want to drive that car? I wear converse as an adult, sing really off-key at times and don't care- listen to music ranging from Johnny Mathis & Frank Sinatra to the Smiths and NWA. I read a lot, and write even more. I watch Marvel movies with my young adult boys and no longer care that invites to the coolest and latest hang outs with the “cool” kids do not come my way and here is the secret why I love the life and who I am in it right now……

Because I gave up caring about fitting in and found my tribe where I truly belong and it is WAY less effort to exist in this space.

Are all my days rainbows and sunshine and butterflies? God no! But my nearly 50 year old self knows that was never the point anyway….

Wishing you all peace-filled days/nights and the knowledge that you are enough, and you belong EXACTLY as you are.