If I take a cute picture of Layla the Wonderdog and don't post it, did it even happen?

I decided to deactivate my social media accounts today. A message from a “FB friend” yesterday was at first jarring to read, and then left me wondering what I am doing spending so much time on something that currently is serving as much more of a distraction than anything else. Yes, I am super thankful that I have been able to see photos of my dear friend’s wedding during COVID, see pictures of my cousin’s lovely baby born during COVID, and connect with college friends from my UD days (we graduated before the era of cell phones and computers as we now know them) so truly I am so grateful for this opportunity….but beyond that…. it has become a medium keeping me from what I really am drawn to be doing at this phase in my life.

Writing.

It has become a distraction….something that I am both seeking during the pandemic and resisting as well. To be distracted.

Over the past few months, we all have been in this sort of ‘great pause.’ Perhaps not all of us as I do know that many are not taking COVID recommendations seriously, and many are instead just going about their lives as they always have. However, I have truly been adhering to the guidelines as best I can to best protect my family including my parents and Aunt who are all in a vulnerable population. More than this, however, I see this as one little thing I can do to help protect the greater good that is our society as a whole. We are all so interconnected, each decision we make can have lasting ripple effects beyond what we can see.

There is a great & very much human desire to distract when we feel uncomfortable in a generic sense. I have been a “Ph.D. candidate” worthy in this endeavor in my life, often with exceedingly unhealthy methods to help numb feelings I do not wish to experience. Over the past year, even prior to the pandemic emerging, I have made a conscious effort to mostly not walk through this life numb anymore. Behaviors and practices that supported this numbing behavior I have largely removed or limited in my life, forcing me to face truths I simply have not wanted to do. Gently nudging or at times pushing me over the cliff that is my repertoire of uncomfortable feelings.

I discovered this: It is freaking hard! There is nothing I enjoy about it, I am being brutally honest. I do not enjoy looking at my own darkness any more than anyone else. Even though I know and believe looking at our dark side can be as illuminating as looking at our light…I still attempt to avoid it at all cost. And yet, this year, I have purposely and intentionally leaned into all of it. All the messy, flawed truth that makes up my being and life around me. I have tried other options and learned the great truth…..wherever you go, there you are. (Jon Kabat-Zinn quote, not my own) There is no escaping the truth that is YOU.

Many of my clients who I saw in group practice followed me into my private practice, thus I have known many of them for YEARS. Recently, one said to me “Don’t you get sick of hearing the same things from me over and over and over and over?” This was my thought process….

Yes, I have heard you discuss the same struggles over and over and over and over and …. and Yes, I have so been there too! A million times in my life, I have been there….and I know how difficult and scary change can be…but am I sick of it? NO!!!!! I am here to hold space for you as you practice being courageous in your journey. I am here to hold space.

My response to my client was much briefer….. I am here for you as long as it takes, just as those who have supported me (you know who you are!) have been there with me. Without judgment, without impatience, without frustration. Just holding space.

Social media is void of this space.

What is shown is the “Great British Baking Show” of a showstopper dessert when in reality it is really more like the “Nailed It’s” version. (please please look these two shows up if you need a reference….they are both fantastic in their own rite. ) Perfection is displayed when in truth, a hot-mess holds its place. I want to see the hot-mess!

I have found it holds much less value for me to see the manufactured versions of what individuals want me/us to see, and seeking rather those who are really wanting to have authentic discussions on the complexities of life. I am not everyone’s cup of tea. However, in letting go of the desire to seek other’s approval, there is more space to truly discover the deepening sense of purpose and mission that lives inside each of us.

If I take a picture of Layla the Wonderdog and have nowhere to post it, will it indeed still have been taken? Yes…..

If I eat a lovely meal out surrounded by dear friends and have nowhere to post it, did it indeed still happen? Yes…..

If I go on a run, or decorate the outside of my house for the holidays, or nail a handstand (one day) or…or…or….. If I do all these things and have nowhere to post it…..did they really still happen?

Yes……

The posting is what became a distraction for me….robbing me of true connection, truly enjoying the moment, and truly being present. When you have spent some time in your life numbing and discover the power of NOW, there is less and less space for this endeavor and thus I am seeking to be okay with who and what I am and can only discover that with the stillness that comes from turning inward.

Writing. Meditating. Enjoying the stillness……

Wishing you all who seek…. wisdom. And all who desire stillness…peace.