I've never owned a mini-van, never had a "bob" haircut, and don't own a "one piece." Ongoing tales from not fitting in.....
As a child, I moved quite a bit and was painfully shy/introverted, more interested in music and poetry and writing than shopping malls or football games. As a child, my not fitting in was not intentional. Not on my part at least. I WANTED to be part of the “Kool Kids” but wasn’t. I WANTED to be invited to go shopping with girlfriends, or to football games, but wasn’t. NOT that I wanted to do those things per say, but I wanted to be invited. I wanted to feel like my existence mattered to others, like my being present mattered, like others wanted/needed me around. It didn’t. I didn’t.
When we seek approval from others, we will always be disappointed on the lackluster impact it has on our self esteem or self worth. I often have clients reflect on the terms, that literally have the origins of the experience written in the definition. SELF. It is in our own discovery, or as Glennon Doyle writes, our own KNOWING that brings us peace and joy and happiness. As a child I sought approval from everyone and anyone, except myself. I wanted others to invite me to the table, all awhile not believing I deserved to be there. I wanted to wear and do and be things that were not intuitively me, and made so many decisions in my life in an effort to prove my worthiness, rather than understand just my being alive….I was already worthy. I was already enough.
I am not special.
I am not unique.
We are all worthy. We are all enough.
Into my adulthood, as I began to feel my own worthiness, my own enough-ness… I began to make decisions more based on my own KNOWING, my own awareness of who and what I am about, and have cared far less what others think about me. Into my adulthood, I began to intentionally make decisions that were about my wants/needs and in doing so, I intentionally decided to not be someone or something to “fit in.” Rather, I found people who love and appreciate me for me, and in that space, I found my own “belonging.”
As one of my all-time favorite yoga teachers has stated repeatedly…”what others think about us is none of our business.” I so love that. So love that….. Because in truth, that is what I was attempting to do in my childhood, blend in or seek approval from others and in reality, people still form opinions on me regardless of what efforts I try to put in to shape my image. I was miserable trying to get others to like me because in truth, I didn’t even like myself. The practice of self discovery looks something like this….
Asking yourself what YOU really like? What are YOUR values?
Are you BRAVE enough to do things against the grain, against social norms, against what your mom/dad/grandma/grandpa etc wants you to do?
Would your 10 year old self be proud of the strong, amazing person you have grown into being?
Do you self medicate/engage in self destructive behaviors because you are in conflict with who and what you have grown into being?
Do you want to be friends/partners with a person like YOU?
This is a journey my friends. As desperately as I wanted to fit in with the KOOL KIDS as a child, the truth is today my KNOWING has taught me to ask more discerning questions on the “why I want to fit in” rather than the child-like fixation of “why don’t they want me?” And in doing so, I resisted my urge to buy the car that everyone had, or get the haircut everyone had, or wear clothing that everyone did just because it was the way to fit in….and my KNOWING has taught me one thing………with absolute clarity…..
If I am changing my innate sense of self to fit into a group or image of a wife/mother/psychotherapist/etc…. then the place/or group/or situation was a space I never “belonged” anyway.
My 49 year old self is totally content and at peace loves my perhaps impractical caribbean blue convertible, purple peekaboo highlights, and 2 piece bathing suits and tattoos….
And if I am the only one who likes them, well me/myself and I will put top on the convertible down (as long as the midwest weather will allow me to do so), turn up the Indigo Girls or Notorious B.I.G., let the wind mess up my already messy/at times wild hair…and be at peace with the life I am creating and living for ME. (No…I am not wearing a bikini in my car, I do have some standards…..geesh….)
Wishing you all the space to find yourself and tap into your own KNOWING.
