Giving yourself permission to TAKE UP SPACE!
I was raised to be kind, support others, keep the peace above all else, and stay small/unnoticed. In my adult self with some limited memory of childhood, I am uncertain if that was something overtly communicated or if in my introspection I picked up on the social cues around me dictating these practices to be a person in my world. I watched in wonder as my classmates freely raised their hands to participate in class, I observed with a sense of awe when friends were able to easily open up EVEN IF their ideas or expressions were controversial. I keep quiet, often existing more in my thoughts than in the world around me, and became a great observer of human behavior. I’ve been told more times than I can count I am difficult to read, and share little of myself with others around me. Occupational hazard? May be… .Into adulthood, it is still very difficult for me to ad-lib & freely express emotions or thoughts in large groups, causing me significant anxiety when asked to do so. My face turns red almost instantly, my heart feels like it is literally going to beat out of my chest, my palms turn sweaty and my voice does this oh-so-attractive and I am certain not detectable at all quiver thing..it is not a good look. It is something that I continue to lean into knowing the more I do, the easier it will get. In theory anyway……
I do remain largely a kind, supportive person and literally have tattoos and items around me (including this blog) focused on seeking peace. However, in my adulthood I am not as concerned to have PEACE above all things, learning the destructive nature for me as a human in having this the ultimate goal. I am often left as the person who is void of peace when I put others’ wants/needs above my own at all costs. I am no longer willing to do this, learning to honor myself at least as much as I do others.
My last frontier, or that I can see right now, is my struggle with the belief that I need to stay small/unnoticed in stark contrast with this burning desire inside of me to write and speak and help others who have similar journeys. In my head I hear:
Stay small.
Don’t become too big.
Don’t let others really know what you are thinking/feeling.
Who do you think you are?
All super helpful thoughts, right? It is this concept of giving myself permission to TAKE UP SPACE that trips me up so often. Giving myself permission to say what I feel compelled to say, regardless of how it may be perceived Giving myself permission to take up time, take up attention at times, and TAKE UP SPACE in the world. It is so uncomfortable I have this strong desire to crawl out of my skin even writing these words down.
How do published writers, public speakers, youtubers/influencers in the world learn to take up space? What messaging did they receive about their rights to the world? What did they learn about sharing their voice? How do they balance the inner skeptic that might suggest their thoughts/opinions are less than? How do they move through these challenging and destructive thoughts and TAKE UP SPACE anyway?
I have spent a significant amount of time watching shows about nature and animals over this pandemic - ok wait… context, I have watched very very little TV over the past 10+ years and since I was sick back in March, somehow this has become a bit of my pastime. Ok, and full-disclosure, at any given time in life, if given a choice, National Geographic shows will ALWAYS be at the top of my list. Ok, I can proceed now…. phew. Our planet is massive, expansive! It is amazing, and diverse. It is ever-changing and filled with fascinating plants/animals/people and breath-taking landscapes. It has been a constant reminder to me to TAKE UP SPACE! There is space, a platform for all of us to share and grow and find our own way to express our unique gifts to the world. What if all of us has a unique purpose and there is someone else in the world who needs to hear our story to continue on with his/hers? It’s a reminder….that I still need….daily….
And so this is my suggestion to all of you reading…..TAKE UP SPACE! Find your way to do so TODAY! Don’t wait until the world gives you permission to do so, as I am reminding you, my dear, you have had permission all along!
Wishing you peace in your journey…today and always.
