When SHAME shows up like an old friend....

Shame: is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection. Brene Brown

With the advice from Glennon Doyle in a recent FB live thing she does, when asked about becoming a writer her suggestion was to WRITE. Daily. And so that is what I have been doing the past few months to work on myself, work through some tough stuff, and to be in the practice of being vulnerable in the world I am living. I don’t always feel like writing, I don’t always want to share my struggles (yes, I’d much rather BE the image I often project to the world of having my shit together EVEN THOUGH I find that version of myself far less interesting….), and I don’t always feel like I have anything interesting to write. I write anyway.

My “day job” is that of a psychotherapist. Along with being a Mom, I consider my “day job” a joy, a privilege, endlessly fascinating, and rewarding beyond measure. I feel confident in my abilities to make connection with clients, in my ability to help them help themselves move through difficulties, and the importance of my continuing this work. My writing…. is another story.

The process of writing in itself I feel strong. I have been a writer in my heart for as long as I can remember. And as I am fast approaching 50, let’s just both agree that is a very long journey in this genre. I wrote short stories and poems as a child and teen, I have journaled off and on for decades. My emails to clients or friends, I am sure at times boarder on the work of a thesis,. Finally, I have been blogging for the better part of a decade now, with a growing audience, though admittedly it is in this is the part I am struggling with the most. While I LOVE the art of writing and am a ferocious and passionate reader, I am very tentative on pursuing expanding my audience and at times not even certain how to do this. While I have asked those who I think may be of help, and researched on my own “how do you grow your blog audience” I have done very very little to intentionally move the numbers of my audience.

Is this another example of my self defeating behaviors to keep myself small?

Is this connected to the inner dialogue I continue to fight with internally, question my own worthiness?

Am I lazy?

Is what I have to say only relevant to me?

As much as this is an ongoing issue for me to work through, I have been pushing myself to post my blogs elsewhere to increase the possibility of others seeing and therefore reading my blogs. Each time I post, even to my own pages that I manage, I feel that bubbly anxiety surfacing that I choose to tap down so I can practice being BRAVE and being VULNERABLE. Each and every time. I do not have the luxury of just freely posting, it takes an effort. Social media still a bit of a mystery to me, and clearly missing the unwritten cues of what is acceptable and not acceptable, I posted a recent blog post on introversion to a site that is dedicated to introverts. It was well received, and for a moment I thought, hey…this is another place I can serve the community in practicing bravery and vulnerability with my own stories of introversion, finding peace, and all the other stuff I write about that many don’t care about but THESE PEOPLE DO! I posted another blog. Not long after… the person who managed the site, on the blog post (instead of private messaging me…) posted this on the site (@………….. perhaps you are unaware this is a site for other introverts to share and post relevant information on introversion, not for you to self promote yourself…..)

INSTANT SHAME!

I did what any other person who has struggled with shame does, unfollow and then spend the next few hours thinking how could I be so stupid? What did I do wrong? How did I not understand that my writing on introversion would someone be an unwelcomed read for those on a fb page dedicated to introversion?

Wait….I then sent a simple note, making sure it was not dripping with the shame I had been feeling for more than I care to admit about this…. to the “owner” of this page and simply stated I in no way profit from my blog, or have anything to sell, and in no way was trying to self promote. Rather I was attempting to offer content just like others were ….omg…there it is! SHAME!

I got into this dark space of justifying, explaining, internalizing what this total stranger said as if he/she had any idea of who and what I am about. Fortunately, I HAVE done work on this area, a lot lately, and was able to quickly quiet that destructive inner dialogue and stop the negative thoughts that were creeping up.

Be aware - of your own motivations. Be clear on your own purpose and goals and FIND a way to make them happen. I caution you to NOT allow others to have a say in how you live your life. If you want to write, write. If you want to garden, garden. If you want to run, run. If you want to return to school, return to school. Become so clear in your intent, manifesting from that heart space that really knows the REAL YOU, and don’t let shame have a place in that journey.

Ugh..what a horrible feeling that was….such a good reminder of both the destruction of shame, and the power in sharing our stories so shame no longer has a place in our lives.

Wishing you all peace…connection…and the FEARLESS ability to kick shame’s ass out of our lives!