What losing 20 lbs has taught me
I am a fairly self-aware control freak, more in a subtle way most who superficially know me would not easily identify. Yet, when I am in a space where I feel that I have little control over the outcomes around me, all of that intentionality and mindfulness is truly put to the test and the wheels fall off FAST!
2020 and now the start of 2021 has put us all in a space of discomfort as there has been very little that we can control, and even more that we cannot do to cope with the lack of control. Focusing on my health and getting in the best shape I can has been something I’ve intentionally chosen. I’ve been down this path before, although admittedly it has been a very long time ago. Maybe it is engaging in this process in the midst of the pandemic or maybe it’s with my monumental big “50” fast approaching, but this time it feels very different for me. Rather than focus on having the scale reflect a specific weight or my jeans size being a artificially chosen benchmark, it is more about how can I use food for fuel and be more aware when I am using food for other reasons.
Anyone else know this struggle? If you didn’t before the pandemic, can you see how so many of us do this without even realizing that is how we use food? To comfort. To celebrate. To punish (at times). How did this happen?
If you want a to have a reminder of the myriad ways we, within the American culture, use food (and drink) for more than just satiation, go on a “diet” of some sort. Like many, many many women in our culture, I have been down this road far too many times in the past and have developed a fairly unhealthy relationship with both food and my own body. When I committed to this process, I wanted it to feel different. I wanted to come from a space of health vs restriction. I wanted to do something that would be a lifestyle change and in the process end this vicious cycle I’ve developed one a lifetime with food and my body.
I had just listened to the author and eventually read the book “The Body is not an Apology” by Sonya Renee Taylor. If you haven’t listened to her podcast on Brene Brown’s “unlocking us” or read her book, I highly recommend. It has changed me. Truly. That is not something I want to over or under value when I say those words. It made me think about the delicate balance of deciding it is time to focus on your health from a “health” standpoint vs focusing on a “diet” because we think it will somehow change our life if we weigh less or fit into a smaller clothing size.
I lost the first 20 quite easily. Truly, even through the holidays. I know, right? But I did. I still had samples of the delicious cookies and baked goods I make for the holidays, I still had the mimosas Christmas morning as I was opening up presents with my family, I still ate the absolutely delicious baked brie that has become a special holiday tradition, but this year I did without as much guilt. Not guilt free. Hey, I did mention that I am turning 50 soon, right, and I’ve had a lifetime of looking at food as good vs bad, and thus it’ll take some time to unpack this unhealthy mindset I’ve developed. However, I continued to get on the scale and accepted, or rather EXPECTED that my weight would be up slightly each day I chose to intentionally eat richer or more indulgent foods than I normally do, and was able to look at it as the “food” doing this rather than I am weak, or flawed, or an unworthy person because of it.
This. Is. HUGE!
There is this portion of the book that talks about us, as humans but more specifically women, to look at the ways we have been influenced by messaging around us thinking that this type of body type is good vs this body type is bad. If we continue to feed into that destructive model, if we continue to look at our bodies as less than because we don’t resemble the images being forced upon us in the various ways media this to us, then we are part of the problem. WE are part of the problem. WE are the ladder that connects us to the problem.
What if we said F-it. I am not going to be part of the problem anymore? What if we looked at our bodies and focused more on loving them, not just accepting them but really really loving them? How would we look at food? Would we eat more intentionally in ways that supper this amazing physical form our spiritual body is existing in right at this moment? Would we seek food that FUELS us rather than food that numbs us? Would we build up our fellow humans with positivity vs shaming them on social media or behind their backs as a way to somehow make ourselves feel better? By the way..that never works. But truly, as long as we bash others for their human form, we are part of this systemic problem that is destroying the peace and happiness of more than I can even count in our world. We are part of the problem, unless we decide to intentionally look at how and why and what we eat, and learn to truly love and treat our bodies with love…..
20 lbs has not monumentally changed my life. I still have more weight that no longer serves me that I am working on shedding. While I joke with my trainer that I want this to be accomplished by my next trip to Hawaii later this year, and say I will create a t-shirt that says “Body by Robb Frentz” the truth is I want it for a lifetime. I want to cherish this one body that gets me from point A to point B every freaking day. I want to be strong so if my children choose to have children someday I can play easily with them on a beach somewhere. I want to be able to be as strong as possible to one day be there to help my parents as they age, if they need me. I want to be more appreciative of the human form I have been given, rather than envious of all the other human forms that belong to another spiritual soul living on the earth beside me.
It has taught me to be more aware of how often I was eating out of boredom, out of sadness, our out of routine. I knew it, but ignored it for years. I didn’t really have to see it, because like many of you I had a plethora of outlets to just numb or escape my inner knowing. 2020/2021 has offered very little escapism, and I like many of you LOVE a good escape every now and again. I encourage all of you reading, if this has been an issue for you (if not, you probably didn’t read past the first paragraph) to think about finding a balance between eating to satiate and eating to numb. Consider finding the balance between feeding your body, and attempting to use food to feed your soul. (Does not work, not even the best comfort food can do that…so stop trying, please!) Start thinking about the ways you show your human form how grateful you are for it showing up for you every single day, and starting intentionally treating your body with love and see…what and how that can change you.
It’s not about the weight. Yes, I am happy it is shifting for me. It IS, however, about the lessons I am learning about how and why I treat my body the way I do, that I am truly grateful.
Wishing you all a healthier relationship with your body. And consider this….. consider what would happen if you woke up today and chose to LOVE your body- your human form for which your spiritual form is residing- and watch how your behaviors shift to better match that belief system.
Peace….. and please share your stories of your own journey. I would love to hear!
