What if it isn't a midlife crisis after all? Moving from crisis to celebration!

What defines an action or decision in midlife as a crisis?

I remember taking a class in undergraduate studies called Perspectives on Aging. At the time, I was 20 or 21 years old so anything beyond that seemed, well OLD! The irony is not lost on me how that perspective does indeed shift, as I have children who are in college, the eldest preparing to graduate. I am struck with OMG, then what am I now? Am I old? Did I miss the memo? Damn! Did I miss out on being YOUNG?

When I would talk to my dear, late grandmother-in-law, at 90+ years old she would often refer to the residence of her senior living community as being “OLD.” Noticeably, she was not referring to or seeing herself in that category. While she was aware of her age at the time, she would often tell me inside she felt decades younger than her chronological age would indicate. I so loved that about her, admiring her ability to know her age and understand with that came some preconceived expectations, but having the confidence in herself to decide if she wanted to follow those expectations or find her own way to best express herself.

As I am approaching 50 in just over 2 months, I am facing not so much the feeling of I AM OLD, but rather the acknowledgment of being firmly rooted in this phase of life titled “midlife.” Does this mean I will live to see 100+? Who knows, but I am keenly aware I am in this newer space of contemplation and find myself leaning into the model my grandmother-in-law left for me to find my own path for what this next chapter means to me. It has been surprising to me to learn, through this process, that it doesn’t necessarily get easier to follow your own path, and in some ways has been more challenging as I have aged due to those preconceived expectations. We give more space for young people to explore and define who they are in the moment, but are not as kind when those among us who are seekers continue to do so throughout our lifespan. Who made all these rules and why do we have to follow them just because they are more socially accepted?

What warrants a crisis? Who determines what is acceptable behavior at any given age? Why does that matter to me, or to any of us really?

With this past year mostly being in the great pause due to the pandemic, a space of exploration and contemplation has emerged for those who were willing to step into this space. What else do I want to accomplish in my life, and what barriers have I been afraid to tear down? Is the work I am doing meaningful, interesting, motivating, using my skill-set in the best way? What are my goals- professionally and personally? Who are my real friends and supports? Am I holding on to relationships that I have outgrown? Is this the year when the most authentic version of me can finally show up?

While the aging process can be perceived by many as offering many undesirable aspects/events, what we don’t talk as much about is what it positively can offer us as well.

In 2020, I leased a convertible mini-cooper. While it isn’t my first mini cooper, it is the smallest. It does have a back seat, no grown human can actually sit back in that small space. In the decision-making process, I wondered if I was being practical, even though I no longer have small children to cart around. And my boys both have their own cars now. Still, the unspoken/unwritten pressure to do the practical thing crept up for me in that space. I resisted. Every single opportunity, I drive with the top down. #messyhairdontcare.

How many other unspoken/unwritten guidelines do we accept in our aging process……

(ugh, even writing that made me a little sick to my stomach….how am I the person who is discussing “aging”….I’m too young for that and yet….I’m not)

Is our hair too long, or too colored, or too something that suggests we aren’t following the herd and getting a more practical/blend into the background style?

Do we have too many tattoos? Or piercings?

Have we still not kicked the diet soda habit even though we know it’s a- unhealthy and b-grownups drink coffee.

Do we wear clothes that are too young? And who decides this?

Are we allowed to change career paths at this age, or is a desperate look on us once we cross over into mid-life? And who determined this to be accepted truth?

When I start to examine my decisions, my lifestyle choices, my determination to live a more authentic life…what I am left with is this….

Turning 50 soon, and embracing this stage of mid-life has offered me more space to not give a F- what others think! It has allowed me to understand that if I am not someone’s cup of tea by now, my decision to change my hair to something more “age-appropriate” will in no way endear myself to these judging people anyway, so why do I care? It was never about them anyway.

Rather, maybe turning 50 is a leaning into those who love you no matter what out there decisions you may try on for size. Maybe turning 50 is a leaning into finding and EMBRACING the group where you belong, rather than hustling to find a group you might fit into. Maybe turning 50 is about finding your dream car because you can more easily afford it, or a new house so that you can host ridiculously impromptu dinner parties or master the game of jokers and marbles just because, not because it’s cool. Well, it is cool, but maybe I am the only one who thinks that and the truth is it is all OK!

Yes, turning 50 means some of my parts aren’t as perky as they once were, and my skin is not quite as elastic as it once was….but neither is the fear or anxiety I once had to be accepted. Neither is the senseless time I spent trying to convince “not my people” that I was cool enough to fit in with their crowd.

Turing 50…after a year that was super sucky is like freedom. It’s like a celebration of the discovery of who I really am, right now, right in this time and place, and not feeling the urge to check on social media, in a magazine, on a hip website of all things cool….. because I’ve learned what so many of us do as we are approaching these milestones…………….

……. while one may see our decisions as a sign of crisis to him/her….. know that it was never about pleasing others…it has always been about living your most authentic life, and truly living for however many days we have on this earth.

So turning 50- I hope- will be a day of CELEBRATING! And maybe a little laughter from me, knowing some of my decisions just might look like I am in crisis to others, even though I truly believe the crisis truly is living a life that is acceptable to everyone else but not by me. That is the crisis!

“Oh God to reach the point of death…only to realize you never lived at all.” Henry David Thoreau

Hoping with each birthday, each passing year, you lean more into who you are truly meant to be!

Peace….