Letting go of all that is toxic in our lives
I was in session with a long-time client, one I have known through the birth of her 2nd child, discord and eventual dissolving of her marriage, and now into her exploring the world of dating as an adult with children, a mortgage and a career.
“Sarah” explained the decision to end the relationship, perhaps for good, after realizing the degree to which she had felt used, taken advantage of, and taken for granted in the relationship. When she had tried to express her feelings to her boyfriend, she was met with stonewalling, minimizing of her feelings or failed promises to “make her a priority” with no detectable change in his behavior. She had been there for him when he was struggling, changed her schedule around often so she could see him, and allowed him to set the pace for the relationship. She had invested years with him, believing his GOOD would outweigh all the GLARING RED FLAGS that were present throughout the relationship that she refused to see.
We had been working for years on the truth that we are all ENOUGH. Exactly as we are, we are enough. We are perfectly imperfect and worthy of love exactly as we are. All of us. We are enough.
Now…. although I preach this message ad nauseam with clients, in my writing, with my friends/family…. I understand it is often very difficult for us to believe. We are inundated with messages of:
Lose Weight and you will be acceptable.
Buy this expensive face cream and it will change your life!
Buy this house, or car, or pair of jeans, or purse, or lipstick, or or or…and your life will be AMAZING!
And yet…when we really look at all of those “things” we realize it is all just bullshit we have been brainwashed into thinking. Into believing that we are somehow flawed, and if only we use or buy or do “insert whatever”, then we will be worthy and enough.
All the “things” are fleeting. Superficial. And have absolutely nothing to do with our worthiness as people. If you have people in your life who make you doubt your inherent worth, are you willing to let him/’her/them go to truly see your worth. To own it. To feel it. To celebrate you are a badass - and don’t need anyone or anything to complete you.
This client is a badass. She is accomplished. She is competent. She is driven. She is beautiful. And yet with all that she is, there remains this part of her that she feels isn’t enough, and this person in her life (like others before) can SEE it in her and has used that to manipulate, and belittle her worthiness along the way leaving her to doubt her own worthiness. The work to remove this poison from her life, this TOXICITY, is tough. If you are told often enough in your life that you would be better “if only you did this”…you start to believe it. The unraveling can be painful, scary, and feel like a seemingly endless journey through “Oh my God, how did I not see this?” But it is necessary for our own growth, and realization that we are ENOUGH exactly as we are. Even if….
You NEVER lose the weight.
You NEVER get the dream job.
You NEVER buy the (or a) house.
You NEVER marry, or have kids, or conform to conventional norms.
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Although the road to removing toxins (or toxic people) from your life can be long, and painful…here are some things I find helpful in the process.
Surround yourself with at least 1 or 2 people who you can truly rely on to help remind you of your worthiness if/when you start to doubt it along the way.
Find a really good therapist. Ask your friends or search psychology todayor a good fit. Not all therapists are created equal.
Journal.
Meditate. Try guided (search youtube to start) meditations to start if you are inexperienced.
Get out and walk. A lot….. seeing the birds and the bees and flowers and trees and nature can be healing and grounding in the process.
Be aware and intentional in what you read, watch, listen to and take in from media, social media and the world. If you are struggling, I can absolutely guarantee someone has written a book out there for you to help guide you and remind you, you are not alone.
Recite these words, in the mirror (yes! I am serious…in the mirror) daily…. I AM ENOUGH.
If is difficult for those of us in the world to understand some people do not operate under the belief system to do not harm (or little) to others. Some, simply do not care who they hurt, who they use, who they manipulate, and who they throw away when the FUN is over in a relationship. That is the truth. But so long as you stay in the space of believing you are unworthy of love, unworthy of joy in your life…..this person/or persons continue to have power over your life.
Let me ask you this….. isn’t it about time you take that power back and become the director of your own life?
