When do we have it all figured out?
I remember sitting in a “Perspectives on Aging” class in my undergraduate studies, wondering how old I would be when I finally:
Felt like a fully-functioning adult
Had it “all” figured out
Stopped caring what others thought about me
Well….. I officially turned “52” yesterday and am keenly aware these same questions flitter about in my head.
Driving Ms. Gloria (aka my grandmother-in-law) lived to be 93 years old. Shortly before she died, I remember her explaining to me the disconnect she felt inside her mind and the image she saw of herself in the mirror or in photos. While she knew she was 93, she felt decades younger in her heart and mind. More recently, I caught a few moments of a news segment explaining this disconnect Grandma was describing as her own felt experience. In our mind, we often are not the chronological age our driver’s license or passports may indicate.
Who is this person with grey hairs? Or sagging skin?
In high school, I remember thinking you are an adult when you get to college. Then I was in college and certainly made countless decisions that would not be described as “healthy adult decisions.”
Then…I got married, bought a house, had children, went to grad school, had jobs, paid taxes, traveled alone, obtained professional jobs with fancy titles, and opened up my own private practice…..all the “things” I thought made someone feel like an adult….and yet I continue wondering if this is all it is to be an adult? What else am I missing?
This past weekend, I was able to participate in this new-to-me path for spiritual exploration. It both intrigued and terrified me. During this experience, I had this overwhelming inner knowing that my personal growth journey-my seeking to know I am “adulting appropriately” has nothing to do with accomplishing more, rather it is with being, more.
What the hell does that mean?
What I thought “adulting” meant as a 20something-year-old was connected to what one accomplishes. In order to be an “adult” I needed to do. I needed to achieve to prove my value in the world. And without hesitation, I can say to myself I have “done” all the things I thought I needed to do to properly “adult.” However, what I missed in the view of adulthood is really identifying who I am. What do I want/need in this world to feel and experience joy? To simply, be….
Believing I needed to caretake for all around me fed the narrative of what I thought a “fully functioning adult” was. While it gave me validation and admiration from those I thought I needed to please, a lifetime of this practice has left wounds in me I am only starting to see and learning to heal myself. If it’s not about “the doing” or finding the next challenge I can put a checkmark or cross off as completed. I know I do all that stuff really really well. What is surfacing for me is the deeper question of who REALLY am I without my titles/job/accomplishments in life and do I REALLY like the person I’ve become or are there parts of my person that still need to heal and grow? That is the work, in my humble opinion, to truly feel like I am a fully functioning adult. Not the tasks or doing, but simply finding her in my being…… to simply, be…..
In Mexico a few months ago, we all sat on the rooftop and stared at all the stars that were so much brighter than back home as we were in a more remote part of the county. I lay on the lounge chairs, quiet as I gazed at the seemingly endless number of stars burning so brightly in the night sky above me. I remember feeling so small, so insignificant. I lay there thinking how foolish it even sounds to think we can have it “all figured out” when we, as humans, are just one tiny speck in the fabric of our universe, let alone the universes beyond what our eyes can see. Since then, this bubbling notion inside continues to remind me the more I learn, the more I realize how little I know. I’ve studied human behavior through psychology and social work for most of my life and human behavior, the “whys”, continue to fascinate (and sometimes frustrate) me. Maybe that serves me and all of us so we don’t stop growing and learning in our lifetime. Maybe it’s not in the “figuring it all out” but in accepting there are questions that will never be answered, mysteries that will never be solved, and our true growth and adulting is learning to accept and to simply, be….
Every day, without conscious thought or intent, I think about what my body looks like, what my hair looks like, and what I am going to wear for the day. I can fixate on what others think of me like it’s an Olympic sport. It is not in a “oh I’m just curious” way but a highly critical and judgmental monologue that plays a very negative narrative on repeat in my head. The negative comments I have heard about my body both from peers and from consuming societal/marketing/advertising expectations for the female body have prepared me to have a shame-filled relationship with my body. No matter my weight, how I style my hair, or what I wear, I am consciously aware my choices are fueled by my desire to fit into what society and others have suggested or told me I should look like. Yesterday, as I prepared for work, officially stepping into YES THIS IS 52, I took my first little albeit insignificant step and got dressed in the very first outfit I chose, put on more comfortable even if they aren’t the coolest shoes ever, put my hair up rather than fixating on it a million times throughout the day…. and instead of worrying so much about what others might think of me this day, I let myself just simply, be…….
It’s a…painfully slow, and small step that is helping me better understand the delicate balance between growing older and not necessarily growing old. I want to appreciate the wisdom I have gained in my now 52 years and include in that wisdom:
It’s ok to not always feel like I’m a fully functioning adult, allowing my inner whimsy/pixie spirit to emerge.
It’s ok to not have it all figured out, in fact, the notion is absolutely absurd that we could in this lifetime.
Stopping freaking caring what others think of me!
Here’s to 52! Here’s to letting go of thoughts, behaviors, and people who no longer serve me. Here’s to living life authentically and bravely each and every day. And here’s to loving myself and others exactly as I am they are. And here's to doing things that scare the shit out of me whenever possible!
Here’s to…… 52!
